Get out the DEET and dump out your rain barrels, it’s MOSQUITO SEASON!
Thinking about enjoying a nice porch sit on the rocking chair with Ma and Grampa Joe and ol’ Cousin Derlin and an ice-cold pitcher of Country Time Lemonade? How about hell nah! But, you may ask, “Lucas, my dear old disembodied voice of a friend that I know through reading your slapdash articles on TLO, could I enjoy a peaceful afternoon out at the local lake, crick, pond, or drainage ditch?” To that, anonymous reader who I know through reading your angry comments, that is a big fat “NO!”
All the recent storms have been great for farmers and people who enjoy seeing their neighborhoods littered with tree limbs. They’ve also been a boon for man’s greatest enemy, the mosquito. Seriously, fuck mosquitoes. They exist simply to spread disease, make us itchy, and generally be annoying. Hell, they were almost enough to single-highhandedly prevent the construction of the Panama Canal, and if that wasn’t ever finished, we’d be without the world’s greatest palindrome: “A man, a plan, a canal- panama!”
Don’t let those West Nile-carrying critters ruin your summer- here are a few ways to take the summer back:
Build a bat cave
If there’s one thing I know for sure about bats, it’s that they are bugs but bigger and they eat smaller bugs. There’s so many of them in Oklahoma, we can even see them on radar:
The bats are hungry! Watch as thousands of bats leave the Selman cave in Oklahoma to go feast for the night. They do this every night ! And we can see it clearly on radar! How cool is that?? pic.twitter.com/C1n3s875qS
— Damon Lane (@KOCOdamonlane) June 22, 2018
So basically what you need to do is convert at least one room in your house, if not the whole thing, into a home for bats. Just give em some places to hang upside when they sleep and they should be happy. Maybe buy extra fruit? Don’t bats like fruit? Figure it out as you go, but it’s a great idea!
Get a beekeeper suit
What’s hot this summer, other than the thermometer? We’re talking BEEKEEPER FASHION. Not only do you get full, head-to-toe coverage, including a mesh net around your face, but you get to look cool doing it. That wide-brimmed hat is functional, as it shields you from excessive UV rays, and it’s fashionable enough to not look out of place on Nathan Poppe’s noggin. Just remember that the suits only come in white, so you’ve gotta ditch it after Labor Day.
Carry around a bag of blood
If you wanna keep mosquitoes away from your own blood, the best thing to do is bring extra blood wherever you go. Simply fill a Ziploc bag or Sonic Route 44 cup with any kind of blood- your own, a loved one’s, or ketchup if you’re vegan- and it will attract all the skeeters. Why would they want to waste their time and effort flying around and drilling their disgusting proboscis into your skin when there’s free and easy blood there for the taking?
Cosplay as a sexy mosquito
It’s established that mosquitoes want your blood, but only the females. The males are the big mayfly looking doofuses that fly around and are useless other than impregnating the females. So if you dress up like a very sexy lady mosquito, you’ll attract all the males. They’ll be making cartoon wolf horny sounds and freaking out because they’ve never seen such a beautiful ‘squito. The females want no part of such a sausage party, so they’ll fly off to spread their malaria elsewhere.
Donate all your blood
They can’t suck your blood if you don’t got any…