I’m gonna be real. As a Normanite, I don’t care about the Downtown OKC scooters. Sure, it’s new and novel, but I’m super tired of the armchair urban planners on Twitter extolling their virtues or decrying their faults. They’re motorized scooters, and honestly, don’t deserve a quarter of the bandwidth they’ve been given.
“But Marisa! It’s a very special new thing in Oklahoma City!” You scream.
Tap your breaks! Scooters aren’t even that special in the world of recreational childhood transport, so how can they be the best thing for OKC? For the past 8 years, I’ve been writing for this damn blog and honestly, I’m so tired of being the only person in the state with decent ideas. But that’s my cross to bear, I guess.
Anyway, since I’m the only person around here with a clue, I’ve decided to list 10 forms of transportation for Downtown OKC that are better than scooters. You’re welcome, OKC.
1. Moon Shoes
Space exploration is all the rage these days. Every greasy capitalist is trying to send something into space, and apparently, there’s water on Mars for us to pollute! So why not give the citizens of OKC the closest thing to space travel that they’ll ever have? I fully admit that we can’t roll out the new Moon Shoes initiative until Oklahoma has a higher rate of insured citizens because these bad boys will cause so many broken ankles.
2. Pogo Balls
You know how we always wind up on the lists of the most unhealthy places? Well, imagine, if you will, that the main way you travel is by jumping a lot. Have you ever done that as an adult? It’s the most exhausting thing you can do. So imagine trying to get from Kitchen 324 to Bar Arbolada on a Pogo Ball. Imagine how taut your thighs will be! Imagine how fit you will become! Pogo Balls are truly going to revolutionize the way OKC residents travel, and it will fulfill my dream of getting to Pogo Ball, because I never got to do it when I was a kid.
3. Hippity Hop
Sometimes, you want a cool mode of transportation that lets you get out of the car, but still lets you sit down. And I think the Hippity Hop would really fulfill this need. And if you think motorized scooters are fun, these will blog your mind. Who doesn’t love to bounce but still look as uncool as you do on a scooter?
4. Radio Flyer Wagons
When you have a crowd, you definitely can’t share a scooter. But you can share a wagon. Approximately 80% of my time between ages 4 and 10 was spent sitting in my Radio Flyer and zooming down the driveway. It was probably the most fun I’ve ever had. And while downtown doesn’t have the same level of steepness as the driveway of my childhood home, I imagine these wagons would really fly down the street if you attached the handle to the back of an automobile, or maybe even the street car! Just imagine the screams of terror and delight!
5. Cozy Coupe
Look. OKC is a car-crazy place. So it makes sense that not all residents will readily get out of their cars. So, that’s why we need some adult-sized Little Tikes Cozy Coupes as a transition from the real car to one of the fantastic transportation options I’m listing here.
5. Sit ‘n’ Spin
You may think the best way to get through the 10th Street roundabout is to just drive around in a circle for an hour while pissing off other drivers. You’re wrong. You need to get your sit ‘n’ spin and hang out in the very middle of it. And if the city were to enable this, I think the residents of OKC would be a lot happier.
6. Slip ‘n’ Slide
The Downtown Underground is meant to be an easy way to get around the city without having to fight traffic or stick to above ground pedestrian routes. But, imagine now if the floors of the underground were actually made of Slip ‘n’ Slides, or my childhood equivalent, blue tarps held down by rust screwdrivers jammed into the ground. Sure, this is probably really, really dangerous. But a few well-placed disclaimers will prevent any type of lawsuit.
7. Power Wheels
I never had one of these, and if I remember correctly, they are expensive. Also, they kind of defeat the purpose of having non-car transport since it’s basically a car. But I’m including them here because I really want a bunch of Barbie Jeeps and Gravedigger-style tiny trucks rolling around downtown.
8. Fisher Price Roller Skates
These are honestly a no-brainer. You can slap these bad boys on the shoes you’re already wearing, and they’re adjustable so they can fit on any feet. And a bonus is that they’re not motorized, so they’re allowed on sidewalks and don’t need to charge. The only downside is that the wheels absolutely suck and make the worst sound ever as you push along the hard ground.
9. Big Wheels
The number one reason why we don’t need scooters is because they’re nerdy. You know what a badass rides? A big wheel. Imagine rolling up to Coffee Slingers like a gangster on your big wheel. Imagine how cool you’ll feel! (The folks at Coffee Slingers will still make you feel like an idiot asshole, but it has nothing to do with transportation. Making you hate yourself is their brand.)
10. Old School Scooters
When did scooters get motors anyway?
Marisa only owned like two of these toys as a kid, and she’s still salty about it. Follow her on Twitter.