We’ve discussed Oklahoma dating deal breakers before, but now I think we need to talk about some warning signs if you’re in a relationship.
The dating scene in Oklahoma can be messy. It’s hard to navigate, you don’t want to be tied down because you still think you may get the hell out of here, and you’ve functionally dated the whole city of OKC by two degrees of separation or fewer.
But what about when you hit the jackpot? What if you find yourself in a cozy relationship where you don’t have to go out anymore? What if you’ve found the one to share a couch with while you Netflix binge all your favorite shows?
What if that person is cheating on you?
I would argue that there are some very specific signs that you’re being cheated on in OKC, and I thought it would be a good idea to share them today. Also, if you have any that aren’t on this list, please leave them in the comments. The more you share with your local brethren and sistren, the more we can save each other from heartache.
Without further ado, here are 10 signs you’re being cheated on in OKC.
1. Your significant other has inexplicable phone service outages.
For being one of the minor leaguest of big league cities, OKC sure does have good cell coverage. I can’t think of a time when I couldn’t make a call or send a text, and I’ve traversed this fine city, and even hung out in the parts that no one would categorize as fine. So if you’re significant other is trying to act like they couldn’t send a text from a bar or they never got your call, feel free to call BS.
2. Bae is spending a lot of time in Bricktown.
If you’re over the age of 23, it’s only acceptable to go to Bricktown once or twice a year. If your love is going more than that, best believe that they’re hooking up with one of the bartenders at Coyote Ugly or Club One 15.
3. They grew up in Piedmont.
I don’t feel obligated to explain this one. If you know folks from Piedmont, then you know.
4. Your partner found a new circle of friend that doesn’t hang out where you do.
Oklahoma City is huge and has many distinct areas, but it’s crazy cliqueish. Certain people hang out in certain places, and we generally tend not to venture out. So, if all of the sudden lovey dearest is hanging out at Belle Isle Brewery and you normally go to Saint’s, rest assured that something is up. They’ve just found the place where they can go out without any of their friends catching them.
5. Your sweetheart works at one of the big oil and gas companies.
Look, when it comes to those times of the year when companies start laying people off, those employees need to relieve a little stress. And if you have a really good-paying job that you’re always about to lose, well, you pay have more stress than most. And this is Oklahoma, so even if you have good health insurance, mental healthcare may still not be super easy to access, or your job may pressure you not to take time off during work hours for doctor’s appointments.
Where is all that stress and pent-up frustration to go? I think we know.
6. Baby over explains their Instagram geotags.
“Nah, babe. I wasn’t at The Other Room. See, me and the guys went to Top Golf like I said, only I guess I typed in the wrong location.”
“It only says I was at Bar Arbolada because me and the girls were at Revel8 Nail Studio nextdoor. I swear, we weren’t drinking or partying or anything like that.”
7. Honey darling goes to one of those churches that allows that kind of shit.
One of the things that still blows my mind about Oklahoma is that it’s 2018, and yet so many local churches preach values that would be at home in 1850. So, if a church believes that a man can’t control his urges, you run. Because that’s the sort of church that enables cheating men and casts out women for not keeping their man’s attention. It’s stupid and misguided and toxic, but it’s so common. So beware. Sure, someone may say they’re a Christian in their dating profile, but we all know how meaningless that can be.
8. Your better half is unhappy with their job.
One of the things we don’t talk about enough in Oklahoma is how unhappy a lot of people truly are. Sure, it’s the Big Friendly and we have a low-cost of living, but seriously, I would argue a good 80% of residents hate their jobs or feel stuck in very unfulfilling careers. And since we all spend so much time working for companies that ask way too much of us and have bosses that are shockingly close to Ryan Tate, it’s easy to see why people are unhappy. And well, if you’re feeling down, it’s not uncommon to find a little pick me up in the back conference room in the middle of the day.
9. He has a goatee or she has that black under dye with bleach blonde on top.
Does every man with a goatee cheat? Does every woman with the black under dye and bleach blonde on top cheat? Statistically, no. Anecdotally, yes.
10. You married them before age 30.
Let’s be real. You’re not really a valid human being before you’re 30, and you definitely don’t know who you are. So the likelihood of finding a life partner that makes sense for you before that age is pretty slim. I’m sure I’ll take all manner of shit in the comments for this one because a ton of people will say “I got married at 21 and I never cheated on my partner!”
To which I kindly ask: Can your partner say the same?
I rest my case.
Marisa has never cheated on her partners, but mostly because she’s too lazy. Follow her on Twitter.