Okay, so I missed a few of my primary prognostications for TLO, but I did nail in order the first eight finishers in the Republican contest for governor. The only thing harder to do than that would be to name the precise calendar date THIS YEAR that our oligarch in chief – Donald J. Trump – will resign from office. Here’s my guess. It will be within an hour of his pal President for Life Vladimir Putin declaring he was the maestro of their fun and games in that Moscow hotel room and has a color video with audio to prove it! While we wait for that glorious day, take a look at my predictions for this round of the local yokel primaries.
1. GOP Governor: Mick Cornett vs. Kevin Stitt
I’m going to pick Mick by a whisker courtesy of the $1.2 million h’s raised since the primary. The money has come in from all over the state, so I predict a 51% to 49% cliffhanger.
And yes, I know he’s behind right now to moola money man Kevin “Stiff” Stitt, father of six, but…
A) The revelations of Stitt’s ongoing mortgage manipulations will outweigh Okie voters’ love of government outsiders who proudly admit they don’t know the difference between medicare and medicaid.
B) Mick has actually voted. That’s something that just gets in the way of what’s really important to Stitt – making money and spending about $3.5 million of it to buy a capitol corner office that pays about $147,000. And this guy puts together mortgage packages?
2. GOP Lt. Governor: Dana Murphy vs. Matt Pinnell
This race is between blonde bombshell Dana Murphy and pretty boy Matt Pinnell. Both have raised more than a cool million for this do nothing job, which will become even more worthless than usual because Democrat Drew will be the Big Banana.
Dana is a lawyer, trained geologist, can add and subtract (although mostly add when it comes to utility rate cases), and has not been indicted for anything as of yet. Basically, she’s way overqualified for this post. However, party pooh bah loser Matt Pinnell still has a bright future ahead because severance tax sensitive oil barons, farmers who are paid not to grow anything and third-generation inheritors of tax exempt wealth are always looking for protectors of the free enterprise system to represent them in Congress. Matt’s perfect for that job.
I’m going with former State Rep Leslie Osborn, not by a whisker, but an attractive eyelash over Covergirl Cathy Costello, who’s still bitter that Queen Mary didn’t appoint her to the job after her husband Mark Costello’s tragic death. It was truly a tragedy of unimaginable pain. However, this important race is only close because Cathy from Tulsa tossed in over $525,000 smooth of family bread while Mustang resident Leslie raised almost that much from donors large and small. This shouldn’t even be an elected position, but voters decided otherwise confirming again how smart they aren’t.
4. GOP Attorney General: Mike Hunter vs. Gentner Drummond
Daredevil flyboy Gentner Drummond versus Mad Mike Hunter in a bloody fifteen rounder. Both lawyers. Both smart. Both mean. Both apparently rich since they are loaning large stacks to their campaigns. However, best asset for each…….neither is Scott Pruitt.
By the way, Scottie’s new, permanent address is unknown, but pitiful pics of him sleeping on a soiled Trump Tower mattress at Peoria and 15th in Tulsa are making the rounds. Should I send to Patrick? Must admit I’m pleased, and so are the polar bears searching for fish and ice cubes, but now back to our General’s job.
Hunter hacks out a ‘W’ overcoming the unwanted endorsements from former Gov Frank Keating and some has-been named J.C. Watts. Disgruntled 1-percenter Gent joins relative Ree Drummond on her cooking show and purposely slips on sour grapes. Sues. Wins. Ree now busted and peddling pies also on Peoria.
5. GOP Corporation Commissioner: Bob Anthony vs Brian Bingman
This race features Bob “Where’s my wire” Anthony and challenger Brian “Bring it on” Bingman. Boring beyond words. Biggest issue so far? Bob Anthony no-showed on debate. The viewers, all seven of them, were reportedly pleased. The empty chair was way more interesting.
Anyway, Bingman loses election to Anthony, who will be 106 years old if he runs again in six years. Prediction: He will. You got to keep those steam engine trains regulated, earthquakes monitored, flash point of paraffin published in papers (our constitution requires it), wind farms flapping, oilies polluting and utilities profitable.
Ugh. I’d rather clean out septic tanks and am really qualified since I served in the legislature for nearly thirty years.
6. GOP Auditor and Inspector: Cindy Byrd and Charlie Prater
This race can be summed up in two words – who cares! Lawmakers say this office can’t audit any agencies or inspect anything, so why should I risk another miss by taking a wag on the outcome?
7. GOP Legislative Races: Various Candidates
Our political world is turning maybe a bit blue in the reddest of red states. Six incumbents went down in the primary (all Republicans) while ten other elephants are in runoffs. The current representatives still standing – Sean Roberts, Mike Ritze and Jeff Coody – will all be sent to the trash heap Tuesday night while my own personal numb nut – Bobby Cleveland – may find himself out of a job come Wednesday morning. The other six will probably survive this round, but face additional opposition in the fall. Good for them. They deserve it.
Final thought. Founder of the modern Republican Party Abe Lincoln said “You can fool all of the people some of the time and some of the people all of the time but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” Please pachyderm voters. Quit trying to prove your leader wrong.