7 signs Oklahomans are prematurely ready for fall

School is back in session, and that can mean only one thing. Fall is right around the corner. And while we’ve been waiting patiently this summer for the return of college football and Thunder games, we need to take a moment and discuss fall.

Sure, it’s the perfect time to wear Ugg boots and pretend like Oklahoma even really gets a fall, but we also need to take a moment to recognize that fall isn’t here yet. August is like the Sunday of summer, but we’ve still got a hot-ass September ahead of us. And even though the first day of fall will come and pass, it’s still not really going to be fall-like up in this piece.

So, in the interest of encouraging you to enjoy the remainder of summer, here are 7 signs Oklahomans are prematurely ready for fall…

1. You want to wear a sweatshirt to the first football game this week.

Sure, football is a fall activity, but for whatever reason, we are forced to watch it when it’s still too hot for you to tailgate without dying of dehydration. So even though you spent like $130 on that super sweet Nike hoodie with your team’s logo on the front, you’re going to be stuck wearing sunscreen to like the first 8 games you attend. And then, there will be one game where you show up in a t-shirt, and then by half time it’s so unexpectedly cold and rainy that you head to the nearest kiosk to buy yourself another $130 Nike hoodie.

(Side note: Did you know that one of TLO Patrick’s favorite “holidays” is the first OU game of the season? It is. Also, I have a really funny hangover story about watching the first OU game of the season with Patrick.)

2. You and your coworkers are planning a chili cook-off for an upcoming Friday…

Is there a more fall food than chili? There is not. Do Oklahomans all inexplicably have their super secret chili recipe that always tends to include the deer meat that has been in their freezer since last deer season? Yes, the do. Will you be subjected to one million and one deer meat chili cook-offs at your place of employment before it gets cold enough to wear a cardigan? Yep.

While there is no stopping the momentum of an office potluck once it’s been suggested, you can easily destroy company morale by submitting your own special chili recipe for the cook-off. Then, just put 4 cans of Wolf brand chili in a crockpot, and watch how easily you win.

3. You’re trying to decide which haunted attractions you want to attend this year like you’re aren’t just gonna go to FrightFest at Frontier City.

And you’re going to spend roughly 80% of your time on the rides, aren’t you?

4.  You’ve ordered a rick of firewood for the fire pit in your backyard.

While I applaud you’re fervor, we all know that piled up firewood is a bad idea until it’s actually cold. Because now you’ve created a haven for critters like spiders, ticks and snakes. Sure, those things will die when it actually gets cool, but you’re going to have to wait until the end of October for that. If you’re lucky. And until then, know that your backyard is going to be ground zero for that weird tick-borne illness that makes you allergic to mammal meat.

Of course, you could use your fire pit now and try to clean up that mess you just created. But no one wants to sit by a fire right now, so it might be a little bit lamer than what you want.

5. You’ve started picking fights about how gross/basic the fall food offerings are.

OKC Twitter likes to have these conversations. (It’s worth noting that all Twitter likes to have these conversations.) The general consensus is that candy corn is gross, and pumpkin spice lattes are basic. So, here’s my gift to you, to prevent you from having the same ol’ played out conversations. Instead of eating plain candy corn, mix it up in a bag with some salted peanuts. Now, the combo tastes like a PayDay candy bar. You’re welcome. And you don’t have to get a pumpkin spice latte. You can get a pumpkin something else. If I were a betting woman, I’d say that Capitals Ice Cream will have a pumpkin pie offering this season, and Rusty’s Frozen Custard in Norman always has pumpkin custard. These are way better than lattes, especially since they’re cool treats to consumer during Oklahoma’s hot ass non-existent fall.

Also, just gonna drop this here and run: sweet potato pie > pumpkin pie.

6. You’re excited to see the Christmas decorations pop up in stores within the next couple of weeks.

Look. As the head of the militia that leads the War on Christmas, I have to say that the worst part of fall is always the Christmas stuff popping up for sale super early. And since we’re in the Bible Belt with a Hobby Lobby or Walmart at nearly every corner, it feels like we’re inundated with that cheap plastic Santa-shaped crap. But guess what? Decorating for the holiday season doesn’t bring Santa to your house any sooner. In fact, it really only brings on bouts of seasonal depression. So please tap your brakes and just enjoy the onset of Candy Season with Halloween, and the celebration of everyone’s favorite beige foods, Thanksgiving.

7. You’ve genuinely forgotten the inevitable disappointment of an Oklahoma fall.

It lasts for two weeks. And the weather transitions into the dreary gray deathscape of winter with no snow and bare trees and basically everything looks like Silent Hill but without all the ash.

Marisa hates fall because the seasonal vegetables are, quite frankly, subpar. Follow her on Twitter.