Well, the time has come, readers. It’s been real and it’s been fun. And it’s also been real fun so I don’t know why I used that phrase. I’ve enjoyed my short time here during Patrick’s paternity leave and Louis’s convalescence.
But it’s time for me to go back into my TLO retirement. Don’t worry. I’m not gone for good. I have a quixotic idea for a long reads series where I do deep dives into weird Oklahoma things and Patrick didn’t immediately nix it. So, I hope everyone is ready for 10,000 word posts on topics that only the most navel gazing of Oklahoma would enjoy.
But as I prepare to ride off into the sunset for a bit, I thought I would take some time to write a TLO post for the hardcore TLO reader. And with that, I bring you the 10 types of TLO commenters.
1. People who think TLO writers are journalists.
TLO has been around for a really long time now. I mean, we’ve been an institution longer than Tate Publishing, but it always boggles my mind when people have no concept of TLO. You can always tell who these commenters are, whether they’re at the bottom of the post or in the Twitter mentions. They try to explain what a journalist should do to a group of people who adamantly refuse the title of journalist. And they somehow think a news operation would let strip clubs and sex toy shops advertise on their site.
2. People who post jokes they heard on Colbert like they made them up.
It’s hard to be funny. (I’m sure every asshole will comment on this post and let me know that I’ve never actually been funny. This is another type of TLO commenter. I won’t address them in this post because they aren’t worth my time.) But you know what’s not hard? Stealing jokes. While it may be a way to build a career on the local comedy scene, it’s just a waste of everyone’s time to put it in the comments.
3. People who like to complain about a free thing they just consumed.
The internet is a bottomless pit of nightmares and masturbatable content. For this reason, internet users should never complain about what they consumed. You have your pick, and if you read something you don’t like, it’s mostly on you. So when you come to TLO and complain in the comments about the use of Oklahoma stereotypes or the writing style, it’s weird. If you’d like to really change the direction of the site, feel free to PayPal Patrick some money with a list of ideas.
4. People I went to high school with who are terrible in the comments and then super nice to my face when they see me in public.
This has happened twice now. I think these people are funny because they 1.) use their work emails, 2.) say some terrible and false shit about me in the comments, and 3.) act super nice to my face in public, I guess because they don’t realize I can see the email they used to comment on this site.
5. People who really love the State Fair Photo Contest.
When people find out I write for TLO, the first thing they always ask is why we don’t do this contest anymore. And I know it brought a lot of joy to a lot of people, but I think the joke ran its course, and it’s time to move on. I’d really like to do an OKC Golf and Country Club Photo Contest instead. Because you know that’s going to be just as shockingly funny, but in a different direction.
6. People who hate specific writers.
I like to think that these people set a reminder on their phone for the days when the writer they hate is set to post. And then they head on over to TLO and make sure to let that writer know how much they hate them.
7. People how think they have the moral high ground.
This person usually shows up on Twitter, and deletes their tweet once you quote tweet it, and illustrate how bad at logic and morals they actually are. But they sure do think they’re right, at least for the first 5 minutes or so.
8. People who think they need to defend The Pioneer Woman.
A fun fact about millionaires is that they don’t need you to defend them. In fact, they’re too busy rolling in piles of money to care that you even care about them. As long as you’re buying Ree’s books and Walmart products, her relationship with you is square. But that will never stop the women with “can I see your manager” haircuts from stopping by on the days we post about her.
Marisa cherishes about 73% of your comments. Guess which ones! Follow her on Twitter.