5 Superpowers You Need to Make it in Oklahoma

When you’re a kid, there is nothing cooler than superheroes. I remember watching reruns of the a-hole 1990s Batman and manic Power Puff Girls using their superpowers of flight, laser vision, and rich parents to save the day. Nowadays, I wish I had superpowers to make my adult responsibilities a little easier, if not more fun. When I look at other adults adulting better than I can, sometimes I wonder if they have superhuman abilities themselves. So here are 5 superpowers needed to make it in Oklahoma.

Mind control

Mind control is definitely a super power that the Oil Overlords have mastered. From lowering the gross production tax to writing bills that benefit the oil and gas industry at the expense of Oklahomans’ universal needs, with mind control the Oil Overlords make Oklahoma lawmakers do anything they want. I don’t have any other explanation for how the Overlords have so much power over our lawmakers.

Atmokinesis

Atmokinesis is the ability to control the weather and I firmly believe that Oklahoma meteorologists have this superpower, but for very different reasons. For example, a lawful good Emily Sutton would make every day sunshine with a cool breeze if she could (except Christmas, which would be as white as the Oklahoma legislative branch). But a chaotic evil Damon Lane uses his power to send 40 mile per hour wind gusts to the hometown of anyone who doesn’t follow him back on Twitter. Which explains why Oklahoma weather is never stable.

 

Time travel

With the increase in women’s representation in state government making it no longer okay to sexually harass, and millennials apparently ruining everything from the economy to the social acceptance of making racist jokes, some people aren’t happy. Many older Oklahomans yearn for the simplicity of life in the past and seem to have lots of anecdotal evidence to prove how awesome it was. The only explanation for this is that they have the ability to time travel back to the 1950s. Or they’ve drank too much over the last 5 decades to remember how much racism and few carseats there were back then.

 

Endurance

Superhuman endurance allows you to exert yourself to what seems like no end. It’s through superhuman endurance alone that Oklahoma teachers are able to hold that third or fourth job keeping them from defaulting on student loans.

 

Breathe underwater

The ability to breath underwater is self-explanatory. I don’t really know what the benefit of this superpower would be for Kevin Stitt, but he looks like the type of guy who would purposefully immerse himself into a puddle of toxic waste if he knew there was at least a 17% chance it would give him functioning gills.

 

Hayley has no superpowers. Then again, you’ve never seen her and Aqualad in the same place at the same time. Follow Aqualad on twitter @squirrellygeek