The 5 Stages of Oklahoma Winter Weather Panic

Weather panic is not a unique situation in Oklahoma. If a week goes by where the temperatures don’t shift by twenty degrees, the wind doesn’t fluctuate, or allergens aren’t popping, there must be something wrong.

Now that winter has finally arrived, we get to enjoy melodramatic forecasts from local meteorologists. As soon as the temperatures drop and precipitation looks like it will rear its ugly head, get ready for all the Oklahoma weatherpeople to unveil colorful charts and graphs that display the incoming winter hellscape.

Here are the 5 levels of Oklahoma winter weather panic you can expect:

Stage 1: Initial Weather Report (Come to Jesus)

A week or more before the weather event, meteorologists will get word that some kind of legendary, historic winter storm is moving into the area. Snow drifts of 4 inches to 8 feet are expected. It could be absolutely nothing, it could be the worst storm we’ve ever seen. Reading the Euro models is like deciphering a crystal ball- the future is fluid and in motion.

To be on the safe side, now is the time to invest in ice melt and make peace with the lord before you’re buried under the Arctic levels of snow and ice that are being predicted.

Stage 2: Follow-Up Report (Last Will and Testament)

In the next 12 hours, meteorologists will double down on their doomsday reports and release forecasts that are at least as nutzo as the Initial Weather Reports. The snow or ice totals will stay steady, if not increase.

This is the time when you call your lawyer, who is no doubt in their panic room hidey-hole. Ask what will happen to the future of your estate. You’ve no doubt attained a pantry full of beer glassware from pint nights that you need to find a home for. It’s looking like the end is nigh, so go ahead and finalize those end-of-life details.

Stage 3: The Day Before (Milk & Liquor)

It’s coming down to the wire, and although the skies look clear and it’s been too warm the last few days for any precipitation to stick around, local meteorologists are staking their careers on the fact that shit is about to go down. Do not trust your gut instinct- trust the guy who double-majored in journalism and meteorology.

Schools, government buildings and churches close in advance. The news channel hires extra staff to man the closing scroll at the bottom of the screen. This could be the last chance in your life to ever purchase bread, milk, and liquor, so make use of it wisely. You can’t make sandwiches in Hell, and they probably don’t have Bota Boxes there either, so stock up now!

Stage 4: The Day of Reckoning (We’re Off Work!)

All week, you’ve heard about how storms would roll in and you’ve prepared for it. Your pantry contains enough bourbon and white bread to last you at least a few more days. Work is either cancelled, or you preemptively called in, as you were savvy enough to know that things would get brutal.

You peel the weighted blanket off your body and take a quick peek through the blinds. Squinting into the distance, it is quickly apparent that there is no snow on the ground. You were promised a thick blanket of blinding snow, but there is only a few errant white flakes spread across the lawn.

It’s cool to have the day off, but things just don’t feel right.

Stage 5: The Day After Tomorrow (Regret and Remorse)

Turns out that the streets are all fine, it’s a just a little cold out, and the grocery stores are all flooded with people because we all got the day off. A shallow stream of soft powder fell from the skies, but never really accumulated or became a problem. In fact, there are no snowpeople in the neighborhood yards, and the only issue with the roads is a grey and black slush that melts with every passing car.

You feel a little guilty, because in reality there was no reason for you to not go into work. The streets are open and the snow barely fell, but here you are, streaming anime and squeezing the last few drops of your boxed wine out of the plastic space bag.

This won’t be the only winter weather scare of the year, but it fooled us nonetheless.

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41 Responses

  1. This may be the most accurate article on your site EVER.

    1. +1. This was an absolutely accurate article. It ALWAYS goes this way with our local weather experts!

  2. To be fair, that Christmas blizzard warnings were spot on and we as Oklahomans largely ignored it :p

    Also: is the site you need to go to for weather information. No ads, no gimmicks, just weather.

    1. To be fair, that is one correct forecast out of how many? That’s not a good batting average.

      1. To be fair, the tv stations sell air time and advertising. If you watch them they sell more.

        To be fair, NWS job is to monitor and forecast based on current data. They don’t sell Cars and Trucks or Payday loan commercials. They don’t sell anything.

        To be far, why go watch a snake oil salesman when you can just go to a professional which is at a single source so that you can get the best possible information. It’s not 100% but at least those that work there are well actual meteorologist who don’t answer to the corner man on why ratings are down.

        Comparing NWS staff to a news station is simply sad.

        To be fair that is.

    2. Thank you! I keep telling people to stop watching the news and just check the National Weather Service. The news has incentive to keep you on edge and checking back where as the NWS does not.

  3. Damien Somebody posted this piece on KFOR in which he basically admits they don’t have a freakin’ clue what it will be until it happens.

  4. Dang. Now I’m hungry for French toast.

  5. I have to thank The Lost Ogle, I didn’t even know Mike Morgan was still on the air..

    Side note. Damn fine article, probably the most accurate summary of Oklahoma weather forecasting for ratings ever.

  6. Accurate. But every time they say the words “freezing rain” I get PTSD from the 2007 ice storm …

  7. My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, *saves lives*. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall cloud. You need me on that wall cloud. We use words like Gentner, NextGen, steriods, and even made tornado into a verb. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very snow that I predict, and then questions the manner in which I predict it! I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way.

    1. Lol, this is awesome. Thanks.

    2. +100

    3. Nicely done!!

    4. Wow, so you have figured out the weather and how to nail yourself to the cross, kudos. Funny, every time I file a flight plan by law I am required to check the NWS site, never once have I checked with news 9.. same as your own helicopter pilot. I am also impressed when ya’ll say baseball size hail north of Anadarko and I run out to my farm and nope. All the neighbors laugh and say, nope just little dimes, you must have been watching news 9. I think you missed the point of this article, the hype aka horse shit. The way ya’ll just insist the end is nigh, tune in at 10pm. Sleep under the same blanket of snow you predicted!? Now you’re responsible for NWS predictions? Your ego has no bounds, huh. NWS, saves lives and you are merely a messenger.

    5. Bravo, Ghost of Weathermen Past!!

    6. You win! Awesome!

  8. Most Oklahomans will never get it, but the only forecast that matters is the one the day before (or a few hours before the event). Everything else leading up to it from the prior two weeks is junk. The local social media meteorologists depend on the population being clueless about this to sell tv advertising (to David Stanley) and make themselves seem more important than they are on social media platforms. You can get a better, more informed forecast from the national weather service than what you will get from them (they’re getting their data from the same place). Yet the public never learns, like politics.

  9. with all the bad weather hype, time to clear out the shelves at Wallyworld of milk and bread

  10. Weather and sports predictions are the same: just an excuse for our local media heroes to pontificate on things they have no clue about without the help of hindsight or a good Ouija board. I agree with Thompson above, the day before for weather or the day of pre-game are the only predictive things that matter. The rest is all a huge conspiracy to keep us from going to the toilet.

  11. Oklahomans are wimps. I spent 30 years carrying the U.S. mails. In all that time I only missed ONE day of work due to weather. Not because we couldn’t get to the station (we were there) but because they couldn’t get the mail to us. When the 2013 tornado hit our post office we worked the next day, just like the previous four. The Christmas Eve snow storm I finished my route, dug my car out of the parking lot and drove home. Now that I’m retired I keep the storm shelter stocked with wine, am installing a whole house generator and laugh like a loon every time Okies panic over a heavy dew. Wimps.

    1. Way to go, Carl! You’re a real go-getter. Personally, I like a unplanned holiday due to the weather …it helps keep me rested and in good spirits because “all work and no play” is for losers. My favorite thing to do on a “weather holiday” is to sleep in until mid-morning and then enjoy a day of indoor activities with my ridiculously hot wife. What has your 30 years of (mostly) uninterrupted work done for you? From your comments, it seems like it has made you a bitter and looney old man.

      1. Oh contraire! Being bitter and looney is a prerequiste for federal service (See Inhofe, James and Trump, Donald). In my former line of work an unplanned day off just meant having two days of work needing to be done in the day following. All them years left me with several sources of retirement income that allowed me to retire at 60 and travel widely. My point which apparently went right over your head was people greatly exaggerate the threat and panic over the manageable.

        1. Touche’!

  12. “…squeezing the last few drops of your boxed wine out of the plastic space bag.”

    That’s what you get for not listening/preparing for the snowapocalypse. You were warned.

  13. I did not read one reference to stocking up on Pop Tarts or toilet paper or any kind of beer.

    1. No real Oklahomans ever runs low on those items. Kale, Perrier and snow peas, yes. But every closet in our double-wides are always stuffed with Pop Tarts and toilet paper and the fridge is full of beer even if it means throwing out food.

  14. So then, we all can agree that Mike Morgan’s weather forecast are greatly exaggerated and way over the top as he continues to cost this state hundreds of thousands and maybe millions of dollars with inaccurate forecast when the schools and businesses close down because of his inaccurate weather forecast!

    1. Agree that Mike Morgan’s weather forecast are exaggerated.

      Disagree that he is responsible for any monetary loss to schools and businesses. I don’t even know how a snow day has ANY financial impact to the schools. All school districts have 2-3 allowances for weather days planned into the calendar. Heck, a snow day probably saves money for school districts since they do not need to pay for utilities (electricity, heat, water, etc).

      Also, any business that makes a decision to close based on Mike Morgan’s forecasts deserves to lose money. Maybe you get fooled once, but if you continue to close shop based on exaggerated forecasts from the same weather source…maybe you shouldn’t be in business in the first place.

      1. “Also, any business that makes a decision to close based on Mike Morgan’s forecasts deserves to lose money. Maybe you get fooled once, but if you continue to close shop based on exaggerated forecasts from the same weather source…maybe you shouldn’t be in business in the first place.”

        If people close their businesses, sure, but it’s not about businesses closing, it’s about people hunkering down because they were told we might have 12 inches of snow today and not getting out even when the weather is fine and streets are dry.

        In my business, we’re appointment based. We have had people canceling since Tuesday, and some even canceled today because some tv station said there was “freezing drizzle” somewhere, despite the completely dry roads. It doesn’t matter if we tell people to wait until what it looks like, there’s still a subset that takes tv news as gospel and will cower in their homes at the first warning. It’s not like we can just fill the slots at will, so if people cancel appointments because they’re worried about the weather, it doesn’t matter if we’re still open or not, that revenue isn’t made up.

        1. Amen. It’s almost like people have forgotten about personal responsibility because it’s easier to blame it on “other things”. Maybe giving everyone a “show up trophy”, while well intentioned, isn’t working out so well.

  15. I’ll be happy to take that craft beer glassware off your hands before you die your horrible freezing death this weekend. DM me your address and I’ll stop by and pick it up.

  16. Whoa!!! You guys have it ALL WRONG! My hubby was the ONE that told everybody, on line and on TV yesterday, Wednesday, that tomorrow, Friday was going to be FINE! No worries, no Ice, no Snow!! SAVING our State hassle and money! His 40+ years of Oklahoma Meteorology experience paying off! Go see for yourself. GEEZE, if our ER staff vilified each other the way you guys do ^^^, I, as an ER Nurse, would have many concerns, Fortunately for all of us Oklahomans, they DON’T. XOXO Marla

    1. Marla, please don’t take anything on the Lost Ogle seriously. It’s the Internet and Social Media, truth is optional but not mandatory.

  17. Thank you for that Carl you’re my kinda guy…………..As for the others, I have a black belt, I’ll kick their A** and take names and in my stilettos!! ( ; XO

    1. Hi Marla, (if this is really the hot and lovely Marla). I kinda like the idea of you wearing a black belt and stilettos! I accept your offer!

      1. Really? Didn’t you write elsewhere in this thread that you had “a ridiculously hot wife” who you were planning your whole indoor snow day around, you greedy pervert?

        There’s a classic song called “Who’s Making Love?” (along with other greats like Who’s Cheatin’ Who and Whose Boots Kicked My Singing Career Under the Bus) that I hope that you will hear over and over again because you couldn’t keep your grubby hands and your filthy mind locked up at home, and your “ridiculously hot wife” is out and about getting the high hard one from a Nick Nolte lookalike (Nick Nolte NOW, not the one from the ’80s).

        Get off my lawn, you insufferable prick.

        1. Hi Eddie Half-wit. Who pulled your string? When I want to hear your dumb ass, I’ll let you know. Now, run along and play and leave the adults alone, boy.

          Remember, my name is Village Idiot so do take my comments too seriously. I surely wouldn’t want you to over stress yourself. You appear to be waaaay too invested in this obscure social blog. There’s a lot more to life than internet blogs. Just sayin’…

          Furthermore, You have no right to tell me to get off your lawn. Bums that live in cardboard boxes have no legal claim to the field near the bridge under which they reside.

          Don’t get into an argument with me Ed. I’m playing chess and you’re playing checkers. It’s just not a fair contest for you.

    2. What? Wait? Uh, you haven’t been reading my private diary have you? 🙂

  18. I like how it went from a foot of snow yesterday to a trace today. My dog can predict weather better than our weathermen!

  19. I cant wait for weather GAME-ON! Watching the coverage makes my day.

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