Around this time of the year, Oklahoma parents are spending hours at work googling new ideas and compromising positions for their family’s Elf on the Shelf tradition. For those of you not familiar with the Elf on the Shelf, the premise is that the Elf hangs out in your house and watches the kids’ every move throughout the day before flying back to the North Pole at night to rat them out to Santa for their bad behavior. The hope is that kids are more well-behaved during this time of year because of it. The reality is that parents spend the whole month of December stressed out while trying to one-up the other Edmond moms’ crafty Elf on the Shelf Instagram posts.
Being that all my kids are furry and poop in a sandbox, and that I live a solid hour away from the nearest niece and nephew, I kind of felt like I was missing out on the fun of the Elf on the Shelf tradition. So I came up with a few traditions of my own. Here are 5 TLO-endorsed Elf on the Shelf alternatives.
Aaron Tuttle in a huddle
This is a quick DIY project sure to create dozens of memories your children will be talking about in therapy for years to come. It’s Aaron Tuttle in a huddle! Just screen shot a couple of shirtless Aaron Tuttle pics from TLO, print them off before you leave work, and take them home to hide throughout the house. Will your children be able to spot his unnatural shiny bronze skin tone hiding in the jar of pennies or peeking out behind the copper urn that holds grandma’s ashes on the mantel? First kid to find him gets to open the first present! Once they stop crying, of course.
Louis Fowler with a growler
In this new, fun Christmas tradition, Louis Fowler shows up to your house with a growler of Anthem brew and compliments your mother-in-law’s cooking so you don’t have to!
Ogle Mole Festivus Pole
In this Festivus for the rest of us, replace your Christmas tree with a traditional metal pole common in Festivus activities. But as you air your grievances about the sketchy management practices at your state-funded job, make note of the complaints in an email and send it to email@example.com.
Ranch Dressing Blessing
Everyone knows that ranch dressing makes up approximately 87% of the average Oklahoman’s daily caloric intake. The condiment is so loved, it’s consumption is almost a sacrament. So this year, ask your pastor to perform the Christmas blessing with ranch dressing instead of holy water. Then walk around with a ranch dressing cross on your head for a day. Because everyone knows that Oklahomans worship Jesus first, ranch second.
David Payne Candy Cane
This is my favorite on the list of new and exciting Christmas traditions. For this, simply tape a candy cane to your television and tune in to News 9’s weather forecast. At any point if David Payne is talking with his hands and it appears he is grabbing the candy cane, pause your Tivo, take a drink of your favorite egg nog, and send us a picture.
Hayley kind of looks like the Elf on the Shelf. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek