As we mentioned yesterday, the Oklahoma Speaker’s Ball made its triumphant return to the Cowboy Hall of Fame this past weekend, after taking 2018 off due to bad optics.
The non-profit event – which is hosted by the Speaker of the House, benefits a non-profit and is bankrolled by the Oklahoma ruling class – is basically an excuse for legislators to wine and dine with lobbyists, campaign donors, fixers, secret mistresses and other elected officials, before they get to work screwing over the Oklahoma people.
Well, at least that’s my interpretation of what it is. Here’s how they describe it:
The Oklahoma Speaker’s Ball is an exciting tradition, first begun by the late Oklahoma Speaker of the House of Representatives, Rex Privett, in an effort to develop and build rapport between members of the House and their spouses prior to the start of the legislative session. The tradition has endured, but also expanded to include all those who have a hand in the legislative process, including other lawmakers and elected officials, business and community leaders, and advocacy groups.
Although it’s an “exciting tradition,” The Speaker’s Ball isn’t heavily promoted to the public or media. For some reason, I guess the establishment isn’t too eager to put the spotlight on politicians and lobbyists dressed in prom attire and mingling in line at the cash bar.
Fortunately, we were able to gain access to a password-protected photo gallery from the event, via the Ogle Mole Network. It contains a motherload of funny, easy-to-mock photos of unphotogenic white church folk, wearing ill-fitting dresses and tuxedos.
In the name parody, satire and providing top-notch news coverage of the secret lives of public officials (a.k.a. fair use), we thought it would be fun to take a look at some of our favorite photos and provide First Amendment-protected criticism and commentary about them.
We’ll get started with some of TLO Regulars who were in attendance. Governor Kevin Stitt was there, but he did a pretty good job avoiding cameras. This is probably the best one:
Geeze. Is that guy the Governor of Oklahoma or a groomsman who’s getting a bit too handsy with a bridesmaid? Although the reactions of people in the background suggest otherwise, I’m sure it’s all innocuous. He’s probably just mansplaining Georgia mortgage banking regulations.
Our old pal State Senator Paul Scott attended the Speaker’s Ball. Remember him? He’s the social media guru who made fun of the looks of a constituent’s husband on Facebook.
Back in 2018, Paul shared a Bill Clinton sexual assault joke on Facebook. He got mad at us, when — in response — we observed that his wife kind of resembles a hotter version of Monica Lewinsky. As a result, and in the name of “a little political humor,” I made a quick alteration to the pic in Photoshop:
Here’s a photo of Rusty Cornwell and his wife. He’s the lawmaker who goes on all-inclusive Kid Rock Party Cruises with his wife, which means they probably got pre-drunk on corn whiskey before the ball, because they couldn’t afford the cash bar.
Wow. Rusty is almost unrecognizable when he’s not wearing his signature white tank top. Although you can’t see it, I heard he stitched bedazzled rhinestone eagle wings on his back pocket.
We were surprised to learn that wannabe local Instagram model Kendal Frayer was in attendance. We wrote about Kendal and her high dollar divorce from the Key Car Dealership guy a few weeks back. She’s apparently now running around with a thinner version of that actor from The Big Bang Theory:
That’s nice. She was probably there to lobby for plastic surgery reform.
State Rep Kevin Wallace was at the event. Here he is, taking a selfie with his child support attorney, State Rep. Chris Kannaday.
That’s funny. I bet they were sending a photo to his ex-wife explaining why he can’t afford to pay child support!
State Senator Paul Rosino was at the ball. He’s the guy who colluded with a school superintendent and other lawmakers to defame an Oklahoma teacher:
I try to avoid making fun of people named Rosino because I assume they’re all in the mafia, but I have to ask, what’s going on with that lady’s hair? Did she only have enough money to cut one side of her head, or did she go with the two-hairstyles-in-one special at her local Great Clips? “I’ll take half Kate Gosselin and half sunday school teacher, please.” I bet her life is like one constant Head & Shoulders commercial ,where one side tingles more than the other.
There were lots of new lawmakers in attendance that we haven’t written about yet on this site, but probably will eventually. Let’s introduce them. We have…
State Senator Slappy McHeehaw
State Rep Johnny Longhand
State Senator Paul Shart
There were probably about one thousand or so photos in the archive, so we don’t have the time
or fair use rights to share all of them. That being said, here are the photos, along with awards we’re giving them…
Most Likely to Have Rented Their Outfits at Masquerade
I think they’re the only place in town that rents soft beige tuxedos.
Best Use of Bad Caesar Haircut
Dude. Do everyone a favor, and cut that thing off.
Best Use of Feeling Underdressed in Jeans
I bet they thought the Cowboy Hall of Fame was a club in Bricktown.
Couple Most Likely to Rob a Stagecoach
I think this couple may be a Cowboy Hall of Fame exhibit that came to life.
I bet they can’t wait to go the next Fyre Festival.
Best Guy That Really Needs to Pee
Always make sure to go before the photo.
Best Use of Outfits That Can Be Worn to a Christmas Party
They were probably wondering why there weren’t any poinsettias in the backdrop.
Best Guy Who Appeared in a High School Yearbook Photo With Me
That’s good old Mac Mullings, with 1520 KOMA Newstalk 1000 or whatever. We go way back!
Okay, things are starting to get weird. I guess I should wrap this up. I’d like to thank all the people in the photos who are not named Paul Scott for being involuntary participants in this roastfest. Also, if you ever need event photography, be sure to use Colorband Photo Artisans. I hope they’re very nice, forgiving people.