7 ways the University of Oklahoma can raise more money…

On July 1st, 2018, the University of Oklahoma came under new management. Former president David Boren retired, leaving oil baron and mayonnaise on Wonder Bread President Jim Gallogly to take control. Since Gallogly took office, cash donations to the university have dropped by 31 percent, yet pledges have risen.

Via The Oklahoman:

Cash donations to the University of Oklahoma have dropped by nearly a third since David Boren retired as president, according to officials who cited factors ranging from new tax laws to the change in administration.

Gifts collected from July 1 through Feb. 21 are down 31 percent from the same period a year ago, spokeswoman Lauren Brookey said. Donations during the period total $64.6 million, or $20 million less than a year earlier.

“Cash is indeed down, but pledges are up,” Brookey said. “The goal is to make up the cash in the last five months of the fiscal year.”

Brookey said pledges made from July 1 through Feb. 21 total $55.3 million, an increase of more than 165 percent compared to $20.8 million a year ago. Pledges may be paid over a number of years, she said.

New management can often have trouble raising the same enthusiasm as the ones who came before. This is why we have developed seven new ways to raise money for the Sooner Nation.

1. Betting on South Oval duels

Along the south end of campus is an elongated oval with a wide stretch of grass, flowers, and wooden benches. Some see this as a peaceful place to sit in between classes. Who the hell has time for that? I propose we give the South Oval a purpose. Since the permitless gun law passed in Oklahoma, many will want to settle their differences with more definitive measures.

When the duel has been called, the bell tower will ring to the tune of “Down with the sickness” by Disturbed. Students, faculty, and bystanders alike will be allowed to view from the sidewalks as the participants take their march. Meanwhile, all bets and proceeds will funnel back to the university. Scores will be settled and bullets will fly in the name of justice income assurance.

2. President Gallogly Charity Shout-A-Thon

The University of Oklahoma has had one hell of a year. Budget cuts, black face videos, a racism march, and demands for the OU president to resign are just a few of the scandals to hit the school.

Whatever bone you have to pick with the man, you can now pick clean. For $5, each person will have a 10 minute opportunity to scream and shout to President Gallogly’s face. Gallogly is to remain seated and take the ass-chewing he desperately deserves. There are a litany of topics to choose from to make his skin turn whiter than it already is. You could bring up how he has given no effort to diversify the college. You could shout about his lack of empathy towards the hundreds of faculty members he’s fired. You even have the option to shout nonstop into the void of his heartless office until the blood vessels in your eyes pop.

Mind you, according to the OU website, there are over 24,000 students who attend the Norman campus. This option alone could bridge the gap in donations.

3. Convert Lindsay to a Turnpike

Making a road a turnpike is a time-honored tradition. And not only will it help raise money for the school, but it will also lower traffic.

4. Adderall Dispensaries

College is the promised land for prescription drugs. Each student either takes copious amounts of pills or knows where to get some. We are not addicts, our souls are just efficiently broken by the education system. One of the most pertinent drugs a student could ask for is Adderall.

This pill is used primarily for Attention-deficit/hyperactive disorder; however, used correctly, it can finish all the projects a student procrastinated on and still give them time to binge watch Game of Thrones before it comes back in April. Instead of relying on back-alley channels in which the drug is questionable, why not regulate the product out in the open. Sell the pills like Tylenol and reap the benefits. Just don’t google “opioid crisis.”

5. Tack on “Processing Fee” for all Pizza Shuttle deliveries to campus

They make a fantastic pie, but let’s be honest, Pizza Shuttle owes a big part if its success to its proximity to the OU campus. As a result, the University should charge an additional “processing fee” on all Pizza Shuttle deliveries to the campus.

6. Alcohol and Weed Kiosks on Campus

Weed and booze: The diet of the downtrodden and downright awesome.

Much like Adderall, the usage of these products has become more accepted. We could bring the same enthusiasm of day-drinking and edibles to the university. Economically speaking, students and faculty would pay top dollar to numb the pain of Oklahoma education. Most of the time, students don’t attend classes because they see no fun appeal. Add joints and Jack Daniels to any lecture and I can assure you that there will be a full turnout.

Oklahoma history is as boring as they come. Why not make the study of the land run into “Land Rum: Tasting Oklahoma with Bacardi.”?

Bong-rips and higher-proof liquor will cost more but university attendees will pay nonetheless. What else are they going to do? Learn and educate?

7. Tax Truck Nuts

Everyone has seen a pair of artificial testicles hanging off a douchebag’s truck while driving down the road. An unrecognizable sense of disdain and hatred swells within your heart. You wish they could know just how much you despise their dumbass decision. Now you can.

We can introduce a $1,000 tax on every pair of truck nuts hanging off the back of the truck’s hitch. These walking-talking Napoleon complexes will be taxed each time campus police or concerned citizens see a pair of these unnecessary truck decorum. The fine is to be paid to the University of Oklahoma along with a written apology which will be published on the university website.