8 Real Reasons Why Online Dating Sucks for Oklahomans

Twenty-seven is a weird age to be. Half of my friends are married and Facebooking me evites to their third baby shower in five years. The other half are texting me screenshots of their most dating app escapades as evidence for why they believe they’ll be single forever. Last week, KFOR reported what local millennials have known for a while: online dating in Oklahoma is God-awful. According to the study, Oklahoma is the 10th worst state when it comes to matching on an app. Though the research cited reasons such as safety, demographics, and opportunity as reasons Oklahoma ranked so low, here are the 8 real reasons why online dating sucks here.

Our population is too small

Even though the Oklahoma City metro’s population alone makes up a third of the state’s citizenry, the overall population density of Oklahoma County makes it a very small world. One minute you’re having this worldly conversation with a mysterious barista who looks like Shaggy with a manbun. But three conversation topics later and you’re wondering how you can get out of this date with your third grade teacher’s son.

Reception sucks

If you ever travel more than 15 minutes outside of the metro, not only does your dating pool drop, but so does your wireless network.

The men all kind of look the same

FACT. 65% of Oklahoma men’s online dating profile pictures depict them shirtless while holding a fish. 34% of their photos are heavily filtered shots that, whether it be because of dark sunglasses or holding up a guitar they can only play 4 chords on, only show part of their face. The other 1% are their LinkedIn picture. Pick your poison, my friends.

Again, our population is too small

The worst part about dating in general in Oklahoma is that if you go on a bad date, whether you like it or not you will see them again. There are only so many Walmarts, liquor stores that keep McCormick vodka in stock, and PetSmarts in the metro. And somehow that one date who wore a White Chapel shirt to The Mantel and insisted on chewing with their mouth open will be at every one of them.

Farmers Only is full of a bunch of posers

Just because you still own a pair of boots from your Tumbleweed days and once took a selfie in front of an old windmill, it doesn’t mean you meet the criteria for “farmer.”

Everyone has a gun

One category states were ranked on was how safe it is to meet up with an online date. With the recent passing of “constitutional carry,” it’s going to make it even more likely that someone on the date is going to be packing. Even though your Hooey hat-wearing, dip slurping Tinder date thinks that having a gun would make him a hero in their date’s eyes in case of a mugging, active shooter, or Graboid attack, research suggests it won’t.

Yet again, our population is too small

It should be a rule that if your town’s population is less than 10,000 people, you should only be matched with people who live in other places. Not only do you see the same faces over and over again, but it’s awkward to have to swipe left on a cousin every 10 or so profiles.

Every profile description is basically the same

They all say

  • Dreamer • 405 • Tacos • Jesus • Thunder •

with either a Miranda Lambert song or Quinton Tarantino movie quote and 4-5 emojis.

Thank God Hayley is already married. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek