“I’m broke as shit,” said Joseph Maldonado-Passage, better known as Joe Exotic. “I have a judgement against me from some bitch down there in Florida; but I can tell ya that I paid a fine with the USDA and that is nothing but a civil fine, ladies and gentlemen.”
The woman he’s affectionately referring to is the same woman he allegedly was planning to pay someone to murder her.
Jury selection began in the case against a former exotic animal zookeeper accused of planning to pay for the murder of a Florida woman.
Joseph Maldonado-Passage, better known as “Joe Exotic” and former owner of the Greater Wynnewood Animal Park, was indicted by an Oklahoma federal grand jury with two counts of murder-for-hire in September.
Since jury selection has begun, we thought we’d throw our selections into the decision-making process for a fair, speedy trial…
1. Former Gov. Mary Fallin
This walking, talking terrible decision has been out of a job since January. There is no telling what former Gov. Fallin has been up to since this time, but it probably involves wine, botox and Mama’s Family reruns. Regardless, let’s give this smiling face of apathy a chance of redemption in the courts. Perhaps she’ll serve as a good juror. After all, she is talented at sitting in one place and doing nothing until she’s asked to leave.
2. The Utah Jazz Fan who taunted Russell Westbrook
Although he’s not an Oklahoman, he sure acts like one.
At a basketball game between the OKC Thunder and the Utah Jazz, a Jazz fan used a racial comment against Russell Westbrook. Since the Utah Jazz team banned the audience member from ever returning to one of their games, he and his wife should have plenty of time on their hands. The seem to have experience making their thoughts well-known and leaving their shame at the door.
3. Sen. Jim Inhofe
We here at The Lost Ogle have had a terrific time making fun of the Oklahoma Senator and Red Skull before the makeup; however, the local idiot has an obligation to know the law and carry it out.
While he is often awful at any decision, he would provide much needed side comic relief. If the verdict isn’t what Inhofe wants, perhaps he’ll throw the snowball he’s stashed away in the coldness of where his heart should be.
4. Paulette Kingston
Are you an accused criminal? Are you looking for a new home? Then call 1-800-2 Sell Homes. That’s right, we need the 2 Sell Homes lady to provide the true Oklahoma voice in this trial.
Kingston’s face says “I’m the grandmother who will slap your hand if you reach for another cookie”; yet her tone of voice says, “There’s no amount of cue card-reading enthusiasm to hide how much I hate these commercials.”
This fake smile and lack of pure joy which might channel the justice the courts need.
5. OU President Jim Gallogly
Normally, I wouldn’t pick this man. However, since this trial is involving a white person, he might actually give a shit. Gallogly’s decision to cut ruthlessly and decide thoughtlessly is why he would be the perfect candidate for a juror.
6. Biker Fox
They say a jury should consist of your peers, and Biker Fox is the closest thing this state has to a peer for Joe Exotic.
7. Rumble the Bison
Exotic is about to be…thunderstruck! Please pardon the pun.
Rumble has been the fair, enthusiastic mascot for the OKC Thunder since 2008. He has made people cheer and scared children cry. If nothing else, he’ll hype the courtroom up as he launches t-shirts from a t-shirt cannon he brought from home.
8. Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines
Brooks was best known as one of the premier country-music stars in the world at one point. Since his decline, he must be at home regaling friends of the same stories over a strumming guitar.
Instead of having this Oklahoma icon sing, “Friends in low places” again at some honky-tonk bar, why not have him meet these friends in the court of law? If the judges don’t like Brooks, perhaps they’ll take his counter-part Chris Gaines. Yes, the wig will be included.
9. The ghost of Woody Guthrie
Before the trial begins, the state will provide a sanctioned psychic to perform the seance. After sifting through all the other Oklahoma spirits, the spirit of Woody Guthrie will arrive with his guitar. Guthrie can write, sing, and perform songs and acts in order to unify the ragtag bag of misfits we’ve paneled for the jurors’ box.
10. Regular Jim Traber
He would spend the entire jury deliberation rambling on about how Joe Exotic will never win another major.
11. Lola the Tiger
Lola was born at the Oklahoma City Zoo in 2011 and weighs about 200lbs. Strong and deadly, yet fair and impartial, she will make sure proper justice is served.