Writing for TLO on the surface seems like all glitz and glamour, but most of the gig consists of peeling through local news in the search for anything interesting enough to write about. This part of the process is generally very depressing, but occasionally entertaining.
While doing my daily deep dive through the usual slog of awful crime stories, editorials from energy company execs, and the other soul-sucking articles that flood my local news feed, I noticed a trend. Maybe it’s a slow news cycle, or perhaps spring fever has car jackers feeling frisky, but I noticed an inordinate amount of stories about police chases over the last several weeks.
Today, we present to you a power ranking of the most thrilling, dangerous, and interesting March police chases:
5) The One Who Got Away
You’d think that I’d give the top of the rankings to the guy who managed to elude police and is still out on the lam. Shout-out to this dude for not getting caught, even though they had the helicopter and dogs out there searching for him. But the news story is pretty boring and devoid of interesting details, so he gets the bottom spot.
4) 2 Fast 360 Furious
If you’re gonna take the coppers out on a spin, why not show off some fancy stunt moves? This guy may have gotten taken down, but he did it in style. According to a witness who spoke to KOCO:
“That could have been me smashed up, the way he was doing 360s in the middle of the intersection and flipping around,” said a man who was almost hit by the suspects.
Hell yeah man, if you know you’re gonna go to jail anyways, do some sweet tricks first, at least. Also, this technically happened in late-February, which is basically March.
3) The Bean Bag Bandit
Just about every local police chase story generally ends with road spikes, canines, and guns being drawn. This is the first time I’ve ever heard about a chase reaching its conclusion with a beanbag projectile. Yeah, it’s soft, but nobody was hurt, and there’s gotta be some kind of jail bragging rights here.
2) Mr. Slow and Low
Speaking of being soft, I respect a driver who is going to try to evade the coppers, but do it at a reasonable and safe pace that is respectful to other motorists and pedestrians. Just because you don’t want to get busted doesn’t mean you gotta put the rest of your fellow commuters in harm’s way. Courtesy goes a long way in this day and age.
1) The Ambulance Thief
If you’re gonna serve time, might as well do some crime. And that means going all-out, 5-stars Grand Theft Auto level, and stealing an emergency vehicle. Of course, this would have been better if it were a cop car and not one that is used to save people’s lives, but balls are balls, and if you’re gonna have to spend the next few years telling your story to people in prison, might as well make it a good one.