Ladies, gentlemen, and people-folk, Oklahoma City needs to step up our game. It turns out all those lime green scooters that litter the corners of OKC and Norman have not been being used to their full potential.
In case you haven’t seen it, check out this video from Missouri:
Come on, Oklahoma. We cannot be shown up by Missouri. Again. According to US News & World Report – they beat us on almost all major fronts as a state – quality of life, education, fiscal stability and pretty much every other criterion. We win in Crime and Corrections. But by all the gods on Olympia, they will not outsmart us when it comes to multi-purposing electric scooters. They have discovered the furniture dolly application. We can do better, Oklahoma.
Here’s a starter list of inventive ways to make use of the Lime Scooters…
Sonic Parking Lot Sweeper
Tie a shop vac to the back, switch it on and zip around sucking discarded corn dog sticks and bedraggled Sonic cups from the nooks and crannies of the city’s soda fountain meccas. It’s a public service and will absolutely revolutionize the community service sentences handed down by judges the region over.
Gather eight or so of your closest friends and procure a small cadre of the electric people-movers. Find a car clearly parked by a douchebag and circle the wagons. Park your scooters around them, successfully blocking them in for their assholish parking habits.
But for the love of Odin-son, people – do not passive aggressively attack via scooter those particularly lost souls who leave the ass end of their cars over the white line. This shitty parking job holds up our “iconic” streetcars until the jerkwads move their vehicle or the tow truck shows up, and gives passengers enough time to sing happy birthday to strangers.
Rode the @OKCStreetcar for the first time this afternoon. Someone parked over the line & we were stuck until they moved out of the way. The driver announced it was my birthday over the radio & in true, friendly Oklahoma fashion, despite the hold up, the car sang happy birthday! pic.twitter.com/c4ueVzi9LG
— Amanda (@Sooner_Amanda1) March 16, 2019
Museum Speed Tours & Distance Records
See just how far you can make it through the Oklahoma City Museum of Art before being bodily removed and banned from the premises. *
Give a needed boost to Oklahoma’s tourism industry. Hide a geocache location on the bottom of a scooter. Know that you have created a mobile challenge for geocachers the world over.
Adorn the scooters thoughtfully to remind future riders of major landmarks they can use the scooters to visit. Try replacing the black rubber grips with black silicone dildos to show off OKC’s Cock Ring. Affix a flashlight to the shaft pointed toward the sky representing the Beacon of Hope. Finally, just dump neon paint all over the thing to celebrate Factory Obscura.*
What other inventive and useful applications are there for the Lime Scooters? Add your suggestion in the comments!
*The Lost Ogle is not liable for your dumb ass taking advice from a satire blog. Please don’t break the law because some website suggested it. Be smart and keep it classy, folks.