Weekend News Recap

April 1, 2019
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by Lucas

It’s April now, which means we’re in one of the most meaningless seasons of Oklahoma. Will we get a snowstorm? Will we get a day over 90 degrees? How about a tornado or two? Who knows! Sweeps starts at the end of the month, so stay tuned to these parts for coverage of potentially absurd and dangerous local weather forecasts.

OKC Is Having  Racist Renaissance

We reported on this on Friday, but it looks like there are some leads out to the suspect. It’s not an isolated incident, however..

Just being inside a Walmart just seems like you’re surrounding yourself with racists, so this isn’t shocking, but it’s still extremely upsetting. Also, let’s take this moment to acknowledge that anybody dumb enough to want to scrawl a swastika in public is simultaneously untalented enough to actually draw one.

In similar news that must be totally unrelated, this scumbag was outed over the weekend…

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Our community should have no patience for garbage racists such as the ones we’ve listed above. If you know any of the abusers and haven’t called them out publicly, check out autoerotic asphyxiation.

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Don’t Rob Local Businesses

My sources told me that it was an ex-employee who broke in and robbed the safe, taking cash from their former co-workers. It’s incredibly dumb to break into a safe that only so many people know the code to. After all, if you were an expert safe-cracker, ya’d be chiseling into bank vaults, not dive bars with like $1500 cash.

Bunker isn’t the only Uptown bar to be suffering from break-ins lately, however:

That’s right, Bunker Club’s neighbor, Ponyboy, has been robbed twice in as many months. Both of these robberies affect me personally because I’m in the industry, and these are my friends getting the shaft. But it extends further than that:

Messing with me and my friends is one thing, but if you wanna play around with one of the best taco trucks in the city, you got another thing coming. Go rob the real bastards of the world who have money, if you’re looking to do crime. Leave the little guys alone.

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We’ve Found The New Fairgrounds

Say it ain’t so, Snoop! I know you gotta get that money, but DJing at a Top Golf is cornier than following the Elvis impersonator revue at the Coca-Cola Stage at the Great State Fair of Oklahoma.

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Steven’s Sports Beat

There is no more of a wonderful going away gift to Dirk than for the Thunder to give his team a win on his last visit to OKC as a Mav. Honestly, this was a tough weekend for the Thunder after they lost (again!) to the Nuggets. A win would have clinched a playoff berth, but instead, they’re are now in the 8 spot. The reward? Possibly playing the Nuggets in the first round..

After Jalen transferred to OU, everyone assumes he’s a lock to be the man this fall. Most people forgot about the Waco product who red-shirted his freshmen year. Don’t count him out, as most schools would love to have one blue chip on campus whereas Norman has three.

Even if you don’t follow baseball, it’s wild to think that a 7-time MLB All-Star, 3-time Cy Young Award-winning, and NL MVP is gonna open his season right here at our tiny minor league field.

Do you know who was not closed? Moore’s soccer complex. I got your back on this, parents, and I don’t even have a kid playing youth soccer. In case you forget what the weather was like Saturday, it was terrible. The bifecta of cold and windy. Like in the 20’s with the windchill cold. Thank you Moore for making everyone miserable that had to play and, worse yet, watch youth soccer out in that crud. (-Steven)

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