7 things we need at Will Rogers World Airport…

Traveling through the Will Rogers World Airport is sort of like attending your annoying cousin’s wedding. You didn’t want to be there, you know none of the people, and there’s typically a bar where all the other people like you go to meet.

Luckily, like most things made in the 1960’s, our world airport that doesn’t have international flights is getting an expensive $89-million facelift:

Via KFOR.com:

A new project is taking flight.

Get ready to see construction at the airport for the next two years.

Friday, Will Rogers World Airport announced a new expansion that will add more gates as well as comfort for passengers and their families.

The airport has not had an expansion and makeover since 2006, but get ready to see changes come again.

“It was a dramatic aesthetic improvement to the 1960s area building that we had,” said Mark Kranenburg, Airports Director for the Oklahoma City Department of Airports. “Lots of functional improvements but, at the time, we didn’t need more gates; we only needed one more gate.”

Moving past the tragedy that is the opening line, we decided to come up with a few options to include in the airport renovations. Check them out:

1. A soundproof daycare

It’s a comedy-bit as old as time. Children at the airport are the equivalent of bringing live, nitrogen-leaking dynamite into a room. When one begins to cry, the rest are sure to follow. Like the cell to hold Magneto in the X-Men series, we will create a soundproof, glass box to stow the children away before the flight takes off. Sure, the box will most likely smell of baby drool and poop  at the end of the day; however, that’s another job for another person.

2. Cow-Tipping Stations

Are you looking for a stress reliever before you strap in for an eight hour flight? Then look no further than the pen full of live cattle. Here, airport attendees will be given the chance to tip cows just for shits and giggles. If they are able to successfully push the animal on its side, they will receive a free cow-tipping shirt courtesy of Mayor David Holt; after all, it’s not like he has anything better to do.

3. Extra security provided by David Boren

Former University of Oklahoma President David Boren has been out of a job since his retirement over a year ago. With the new renovations, Will Rogers Airport will need more security and people to provide random frisks. This will give tourists a chance to meet an Oklahoma icon while simultaneously giving Mr. Boren the chance to do what he does best in public. As a side note to the airport employers, it’s probably best you don’t do a background check.


4. Airport VR

Have you ever wanted to experience what it’s like to not be at an airport that feels like the afterthought of the 1960’s? Well, now you can. Introducing, the Will Rogers Virtual Reality set. Now, flyers can use the VR headset to travel to different airports and see that, given the right money allocation, time and attention, airports don’t have to be colossally shitty experiences. Who knows, maybe you’ll find another state more appealing, board a plane, and never look back.

5.) Red Dirt Playpen

Most parents spend their times wrangling their children throughout the crowded airport. It’s hard enough to keep the attention of a 6-year-old; try attempting to explain to that same child why it’s appropriate to remain calm in an airport. With the red-dirt playpen, parents can plop their kids and the dirt and let them play until exhaustion renders them useless. The child will look like Pigpen from the Peanuts cartoon murdered someone but their naps will be your salvation.

6.) Teacher discounts for job-searching flights

After the results of the teacher walkout, many of my educator friends told me that they were planning to leave the state. Many of whom did. The others couldn’t due to their lack of funding. At the Will Rogers Airport, we’ll give teachers 75% off plane tickets to travel to different states to find schools that will pay them what they deserve.

7.) Marijuana dispensaries

Flying is more stressful than fixing college finals when you haven’t studied for any of the tests. The people, the traffic, and lines alone are enough for you to want to scream “I’M A HUMAN BEING, GOD DAMNIT! MY LIFE HAS MEANING.” Instead of making more of an asshole out of yourself, pop into our local weed dispensary and pick up a few buds for the road. You’ll be flying higher than the plane itself.