7 Other Ways for Oklahoma Teachers to Defend Themselves

On Tuesday, the Oklahoma Senate approved a measure to make it easier for school faculty and personnel to carry firearms in public schools. I’m beginning to believe that lawmakers think they can shoot their way out of any situation. Lack of funding for schools? Give the faculty weapons. Traffic on the highway? Blow out a tire with a well-placed bullet. You get the idea.

Via The Oklahoman:

The bill presented by Republicans Sen. David Bullard and Rep. Sean Roberts would reduce training requirements for school staff to carry guns on campus by stipulating staffers with a valid Oklahoma Handgun License would be eligible to be armed at school.

In 2015, state lawmakers approved a bill to allow staff to carry a gun inside a school, essentially requiring the individual to complete the same training as an armed security guard or reserve peace officer.

Personally, nothing is more of a middle-finger to educators than giving them weapons rather than a raise. Instead, we decided to give these teachers some alternatives to defend themselves from possible assailants.

(1) Flamethrowers

The kids love ’em. Let those hoodlums feel the righteousness of Oklahoma heat. These weapons can be used as a sort of multi-tool kit. While teachers can roast the criminals affecting your classroom, they can also use the flames for various classes, or simply de-ice the parking lot. They could also burn their last shred of hope that the Oklahoma legislature is going to give a shit about anything else other than oil, football and Jesus.

(2) Throwing Axes

Nothing asserts dominance in a classroom quite like throwing an ax at the wall like a Viking. In using this measure, the educator must dress as the Brawny Lumberjack Man with suspenders included. Teachers will be able to channel their inner rage to look less like an educator and more like Mel Gibson from The Patriot going Lizzie Borden on the British imperialists. Axes will not be provided by the school system.

(3) Gatling Gun circa 1865

This is an educational form of justice. These metal monsters will be mounted at each end of the school and will be operated only by disgruntled history teachers. While the gun is loaded with straps of death-dealing ammunition, this gun can also teach students about the brutal history of the Civil War. Think of it as a piece of history resurrected by an old monkey’s paw.

(4) Study Karate from Steven Seagal

This direct-to-DVD dickhead is one of those figures that is only prominent by step-dads obsessed with action movies and kung-fu flick enthusiasts. Aside from suspiciously hanging around the Kremlin nowadays, Seagal typically has nothing to do besides represent what shitty whitewash looks like. His knowledge of karate can help teachers survive assailants all while he pitches you the script for Under Siege 3.

5. Invisibility

They can also use this tool when they want to get away from their class for a few minutes.

(6) Becoming a Knight of Oklahoma

Worn by anointed knights and larping nerds, Full metal-plate armor will shield all teachers and faculty from possible harm. Please be advised, this option will roast you alive during the spring and summer seasons. Also, be sure to give yourself over an hour to get suited for work. No sword, morning star, or shield will be included.

(7) Call on Cthulhu

Have you exhausted all Earthly options? Then crack open your cult-issued Necronomicon and summon the Great Old One, the cosmic entity known as Cthulhu. This tentacled-demon comes from the sunken city of R’lyeh in the Pacific Ocean. If you’re backed into a corner, turn towards the west and chant, “That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die!” You may have to sell your soul after Cthulhu dispatches the threat, just FYI.

He can’t call on Cthulhu, but he can write. Follow Brandon on Twitter @notshabbywriter.