Weekend News Recap

Shoutout to my service industry people who endured last weekend’s perfect storm where the nexus of Kentucky Derby party people and Cinco de Drinko maniacs merged into an intolerable wave of loud drunk people. I’m thinking many of these people were also in the local media, because boy it was a slow news weekend. Here’s a light edition of Monday Morning News to catch up on while you nurse your weekend binge hangover.

Bartlesville Has A School Lunch Problem

The article mentions that the school district is robocalling parents to get them to pay their school lunch balances, which seems kinda aggressive and maybe expensive. I don’t know how much they gotta pay the robots to be debt collectors, but it can’t be cheap. By the way, Bartlesville is the former home to Phillips 66 and Conoco. It’s a shame those companies don’t pitch in the money to cover the $32,000 balance for old times sake.

Texts From Prison

C’mon, it can’t be all prison gangs using phones to order hits and arrange riots. It’s gotta be so boring being locked up, I bet a lot of those guys just wanna play Candy Crush and scroll endlessly through Instagram just like the rest of us.

School Bus Nightmare

I’m more concerned with how this kid fell asleep on the school bus in the first place. Even though it was picking you up early in the morning, riding the bus sucked so much that the pure anxiety alone would have kept me awake, no matter how tired I was. Maybe it was because I had to ride with this scary kid missing half his teeth that would fight you if you sat in his seat, but man I don’t get how you could snooze out on the bus like that.

Sneezy Cat

You know allergy season is bad when even exotic animals are suffering. It was probably a bad idea to put that Bradford pear tree in his enclosure, but that the way we roll around here.

Steve Snakemeyer

Once again, I told you it was a slow news weekend.

Steven’s Sports Beat

The Sooner softball team has not lost a conference game since 2017, when they lost just one. They also lost one game in 2016. In 2015 and 2014, the team lead by coach Gasso lost only two games in each year. Too bad they’re not a football team or basketball team, because people would pack the house to watch them play. I mean, they do play for a packed house when the likes of Taco Tech are claiming record crowds of 1,200+ fans in attendance. Sorry ladies.

You know it’s a slow news spot when KFOR is resorting to retelling a college baseball fight that happened 30 years ago.

May 4th is to nerds what March 17th is to alcoholics, a reason to geek out and put a Star Wars spin on anything. Too bad the Trekies don’t have a holiday (why do I think that’s a lie?) (-Steven)