Even though the average Oklahoman is more likely to take the rumor of a Bigfoot sighting more seriously than we do a tornado warning, we all have our meteorologist we prefer to tune into for the daily forecast. I thought that since we have to tune into the weather anyway, we might as well make it fun. Here are 6 booze pairings for your Oklahoma weather forecast!
A cold glass of milk
The Princess of precipitation estimations, the sweetest severe weather soothsayer, and the darling of all daily forecasts, Emily Sutton, brightens KFOR’s morning news with her smiling face and years of hard work and dedication to becoming an expert in meteorology. Emily would approve of nothing other than a cold glass of milk to pair with her bright and shiny morning mood. Unless you are streaming her forecasts on your phone sometime after 4:30 PM, then she would probably suggest a cold glass of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
Having ushered in the weather forecasts on KFOR since 1993, it’s safe to say that Mike Morgan has seen some shit over the past couple of decades. For this reason, it is recommended you pair his forecast with something strong enough to make you forget just what you’ve been through. However, your brew also needs to match the intensity of whatever severe weather tie he’s wearing that day. So I recommend pairing it with a barley wine, not only for it’s flavor profile and alcohol percentage. But also because like Marla’s style and grace, it gets better with age.
Oklahoma native and meteorologist Shelby Hays combines experience, education, and Edmond mom hair to bring you the daily morning forecast on KOCO. For her, I recommend a strawberry lambic. It’s strong enough to make you smile at 6:00 AM as intensely as Shelby and has a fruit in the name, so you can probably justify it as a breakfast item.
KOCO chief meteorologist and stupid Facebook fad starter Damon Lane ushers in the nightly forecast on channel 5. But don’t let the collard shirt and meticulously gel-sculpted hairdo fool you. He’s a wildcard. One minute he’s explaining how the changes in air pressure are going to affect your Easter weekend plans and the next he’s tweeting a picture of some guy’s dong. For his forecast, I recommend a trappist. Because one minute you’re feeling classy while drinking a smooth, rich beer brewed by actual monks and the next minute you have lost your pants and started hitting on your mother-in-law because said beer is about 16% alcohol.
Aldi’s Heineken knockoff Holland 1839
Chief meteorologist and still not Gary England, David Payne, leads News 9’s storm team each weekday evening. With his folksy way of talking to his audience and knack for getting deeply involved in twitter wars, it seems like David Payne could be a regular guy just like you and me. For that, we need a regular guy beer, like Heineken. But for David Payne’s forecast I’m going to recommend Aldi’s Heineken knockoff Holland 1839 because it’s just as good as the original, but for some reason people don’t like it as much.
O’Doul’s Amber non-alcoholic beer
As a military man, humanitarian, and cookbook author, Chief Meteorologist Jeff George leads Fox 25’s weather alerts with professionalism and the driest twitter profile of any of these people on the list. He’s tweeting as if we follow local meteorologists for their weather forecasts and tornado warnings instead of their petty social media feuds. A no-nonsense kind of guy needs to be paired with a no-nonsense kind of adult beverage. I am pairing him with O’Doul’s Amber non-alcoholic beer so that maybe at least one person reading this list will have the sobriety necessary to remember the weather forecast for the rest of us.
Hayley prefers to tune into her frantic mother calling from Elk City for her weather forecast. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek