Weekend News Recap

There was that one time when Oklahoma dried out so much that Mary Fallin called for the citizenship to pray for rain. Remember that? It’s a real thing that happened. Now that Kevin Stitt has taken over, it appears god is listening and letting it rip all over the state, resulting in a massive and unending deluge for all of spring, as things should be. But what will become of all that water?

The Rains Came And They May Kill

What even is 85,000 cubic feet of water per second? How much water is in one cubic feet, and do any of us drink that much every day to stay hydrated? It’s nearly impossible to fathom, and worse for the people who live downstream of this event. Oklahoma and America at large are ambivalent about the homeless population that are a natural byproduct of our brand of capitalism. At least the state is taking steps to make sure that these people living in tents aren’t going to become a part of the riptide soup, but where will they go?

OU Is As Fucked As Ever

Boy, was he wrong. It’s so hilarious when these good ol’ boys get jobs that they’re wholly unqualified for, and immediately realize that yeah, they’ve got no right to run a university or whatever gladhanded gig they got because they’ve been sitting on generational wealth. After a year on the hot seat, Gallogly is gone. Bye, Felicia.

Prisons Are No Place For Phones

Ah yes, the only possible reason to have a cell phone in prison is to arrange ultimate warfare against gang members and not, ya know, calling your mom or husband or whoever on the outside. I can’t imagine how much money it would cost to purchase the kind of hardware necessary for making it impossible for locked-up people, or even those who work in the prison, to not make a cell phone call, but I CAN imagine better uses of public money.

Steven’s Sports Beat

I struggle with the finances on a white-collar job in the middle of America, so it is hard for me to comprehend how an NBA team in the middle of America can afford to pay these kinds of salaries when the “Loud City” tickets are $10. I know there’s TV money sharing, but that’s also a lot of $9 beer to figure into the cost. Everyone, please go buy a #0 jersey to help prop up the teams finances.

The Lady Sooners have run through the Big 12 again this season without a loss. They last won a national title as an 8-seed, so there’s no reason they can’t do it as a #1. Let’s hope they don’t read the press clipping too much as to how great they are and set them up for being the best team of all time. Ask the 2003 football team.

It’s one thing to win anything in Bedlam, but to win a Bedlam game and end a three year drought is another. I guess there’s no good way to title the article for either team. “POKES END HOT RUN TO OU” or “SOONERS FINALLY STOP LOSING” or “SOONERS FINALLY WIN BEDLAM GAME.” Oh wait, that’s the same thing as “Justin Mitchell’s game-winner breaks Oklahoma State’s Bedlam streak for Sooners.” (-Steven)

Worst Headline of the Week

Wait, slow it down. You mean, a country band is coming to Oklahoma?! Months From Now?!! Fuckin’ come on, how are you gonna drop some insane news like this, right here in May? I’m gonna take a few minutes off to puff on my asthma inhaler and deal with this heavy information, that a country band is performing in Oklahoma this fall.