10 potential replacements for OU President Jim Gallogly…

I hope you saved your limited-edition Jim Gallogly buttons! They’re now valuable souvenirs for collectors of irony.

As I’m sure you heard by now, University of Oklahoma president and Mike Pence cosplayer Jim Gallogly announced on Sunday night that he will be retiring from OU, once plans for his successor are in place. I guess destroying David Boren and being almost universally loathed around campus has taken its toll on the ole’ overlord.

There’s already a bunch of speculation and guesswork going through the rumor mill about who OU will select as Gallogly’s replacement. As a result, Brandon and I thought it would be fun to give our best guesses…

1. Mary Fallin

If the Oklahoma ruling class is as hellbent on destroying public education as they seem to be, there would be no better choice for OU president than former Gov. Fallin. Her first cost-cutting measure would be to replace the dorms with more affordable trailer park student housing. And with all of her political experience, she could teach remedial civics courses to students who still need to qualify. – Patrick

2. James Hale

Although U.S. News & World Report has him ranked as only a one-star candidate, local sports radio host James Hale would be a good fit as OU president. I don’t think anyone loves the University of Oklahoma more than he does. He’s positive, optimistic, and — under his watch — every incoming student will be a hyper athletic 5-star nationally recruited merit scholar with pro potential. – Patrick

3. Carrie Underwood

You might be thinking, “Hey, she doesn’t even have qualifications to run a school.” I would reply, “Did the last one have any? I didn’t think so.” This Oklahoma megastar could, at the very least, put a beautiful face on the otherwise decaying look of the campus as of late. Also, just think of the performers she can book for the next OU football spring game. – Brandon

4. Harold Hamm

Since OU is losing a rich, powerful and ruthless oil overlord in Jim Gallogly, they should probably consider replacing him with an even more rich, powerful and ruthless oil overlord. Harold would be the perfect fit. He’s a dick, has experience running large organizations and probably enjoys firing people. Instead of cutting gardening and landscaping expenses, he’d just get rid of the gardens altogether and replace them wastewater injection wells. – Patrick

5. Frontier City Cowboy Cop

He stands for truth, justice and the right for cowboys to carry guns in a theme park. While this off duty deputy looks like the bad prospector from every western movie, he could right the wrongs of OU. Perhaps racist assholes will think twice before coming onto campus. – Brandon

6. Sarah Stitt

If Kevin Stitt really wants to run Oklahoma like a business, he should start by putting friends and family members in positions of power. Naming his wife OU’s president would be a good place to start. – Patrick

7. Tim Heskett

If Renzi Stone can make the OU Board of Regents, then we can throw his sharp-shooting wingman a bone and name Timmy Heskett president. The president’s office could use a little heart, hustle and hardwood. – Patrick

8. Woody Guthrie’s Ghost

There is nothing more unifying to Oklahomans than Woody Guthrie with his Fascist killing guitar. Does he know how to run the university or deal with budget issues? No; however, he could sure write songs about the issues, and I think we could all get behind that. – Brandon

9. Anita Hill

This one makes sense. She’s smart, was born and raised in Oklahoma, and would break the school’s 127-year streak of only naming rich old white men as president. Plus, if you thought Jim Gallogly seemed pretty focused and motivated on ruining David Boren’s legacy, imagine what Anita Hill would do? – Patrick

10. Nobody

It seemed to work out for the Oscars this year; why not a university? This is the same sort of advice you’d give a friend who needs some time for themselves. Find yourself, girl. Live your truth, and quit getting into bed with grabby or money-hungry hoes. – Brandon