How to Say No… to Medical Marijuana Hookups

It’s happened! You’ve finally received that golden ticket in the mail, which will take you on a magical trip to a place of pure herbal — and legal — medication: the Oklahoma Medical Marijuana Authority (OMMA) card.

You feel lighter than Wayne Coyne in a bubble, floating amongst a sea of unique people’s hands. In your haze of optimism, you let loose the secret, and now all your friends, family, roommates, old dudes, coworkers and cat want to know if you can hook them up. What can you say? “Hindsight is four-twenty,” a wise pothead once told me.

Here are my top five most effective (and mostly nice) ways to Just Say No, and fix the mess you’ve gotten yourself in:

1. Help them get their license.

Now that you’re legal, it’s probably a smart idea to stay on the right side of the law and be an upstanding stoned citizen. Help grow our ranks, by inviting your craving coworker and fiending friends to one of the many patient drives going on at many of our fine dispensaries. We have a few in the metro — have you noticed? Follow your favorite dispensaries on social media to find out when the next medical marijuana patient drive is happening. Grab your toke-loving tribe, and after an hour or two, you will be on your merry way. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a discount on your next purchase for spreading the news and bringing in a new customer!

2. Refer them to your old pot dealer.

The marijuana black market in this state is as strong as ever. Sure, the the quality may be hit or miss and you’re not paying taxes to help schools, but don’t forget about those daring souls who risk incarceration just so you can feel good and relax at home.

3. Use some old reefer-madness propaganda tactics.

Some people have a phobia of the government coming in and ruining their lives, after they go on record as having an OMMA card yet, they still want to get high with your sweet hookup. You know…the Ackerman, NRA member, Rusty Shackleford types. So you might just have to dig deep and remember a time when the police would come to your school with a lion mascot and small baggies of drugs. Borrow phrases like, “Dope is for dummies,” “Users are losers,” “Hugs, not drugs,” or “Be fly – don’t get high.” Help them understand your precarious situation with something like, “Dealing is for dummies”, “I only smoke the grass, not deal it.” If all else fails, “No thanks, I don’t want to end up like Wayne Coyne,” is a powerful statement that will deter the staunch Don’t Tread on Me types.

4. Help them build a grow room.

Not only will they stop hitting you up for weed, but you can then start hitting them up for weed. It’s a win-win for everyone.

5. Ghost them.

Face it, many of your “friends” are just there for the convenience of the hookup. I’m astounded at the number of people who disappeared from my life, once they got OMMA-legit and didn’t need the dispensary hookup. I recommend getting proactive: Ghost those fools. It’s fantastic to be spared some old dude’s story about how he once sold some doses to Hipster Boo Boo…or the homie who holds the blunt while giving you the latest reason the world has it out for him and his lifestyle. Ghost those fools. I’ll take an empty back porch and a bowl of nugs hairier than Gov. Stitt’s eyebrows over a smoky apartment filled with fake friends any day, all day long.

Problem solved.