The Wayne Coyne Guide To Parenting

Our favorite local weirdo rockstar Wayne Coyne just had his first child last week with his wife Katy:

We’ve poked a lot of fun at Wayne over the years, but we’d like to wish him congratulations on fatherhood. According to Patrick and other people I know with kids, it’s a lot of work and sleepless nights, and I commend anyone who’s doing the hard work of raising a child the right way while I spend my evenings working or drinking Coors Banquet and doing whatever the hell I want because I can’t take care of anything more than a cat.

(Editor’s Note: He really has no clue, does he?)

Anyways, we couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share some secret chapters out of the forthcoming book on parenting that Wayne is allegedly putting out through Tate Publishing. An Ogle Mole leaked the manuscript to us, so here are a few of the best excerpts of this book that I totally just made up right now:

-Teach Responsibility

“A big part of raising a child is making sure they learn to take on responsibility and do the difficult tasks that are necessary to becoming a healthy adult. I will tell my child, Glittercorn, to do their chores, and sometimes have to be firm.

‘Glitter,’ I yell from the couch where I’m watching ASMR videos of slime on Youtube. ‘Glitter, it’s time to mow the lawn! If you get it done this afternoon, I will give you your allowance of six rolls of rainbow duct tape. Make sure to put on the fluorescent penguin suit, though, we can’t have the neighbors catch you outside in a tank top. And if you run over another peacock with the lawnmower you can’t go to that goddamn EDM festival in Colorado next month!’

Be strong on your demands, but offer rewards.”

-Just Say No (But Kinda Pretend Like You’re Saying Yes)

“Drugs are cool, but they kinda aren’t. I’ve made a career writing songs about people doing acid, but I’m too much of a control freak to actually do a lot of psychedelics. It’s very important to have the conversation about drugs with your child at some point, but you have to say the right thing. My advice to my young son, who I have allowed to name themselves and now goes by the name Blackhole Son, is the following:

‘My beautiful child, Blackhole Son, when the time comes and a bully confronts you on the playground and demands that you do the pot or the horse or even the goofballs, look them straight in the eyes and say, ‘I’m already high on the greatest drug of all: life. And also three squares of the purest Owsley Sunshine LSD. Do you even realize, bro?’ ‘

Pretending to do drugs has gotten me this far in life, and sometimes talking the talk beats walking the walk.”

-You Can Pick Your Friends (But Don’t Think Too Hard About It)

“The social circle that you run around with can define and shape your perceptions as a youth. Based on my personal experiences, I’ll advise young Smashmouth (that’s what Blackhole Son has changed their name to now and identifies with) to make friends with people half their age who are twice as famous. Smashmouth is going to be ten years-old soon, so perhaps that means making friends with five year-old pop starlets, or the children of our governor who make brash comments about Native Americans during Landrun day in kindergarten. There’s no such thing as bad publicity, even if it’s coming from the charter school newsletter.”

-Dress To Impress

“Your first impression is the most important you’ll make on someone else. That’s why it’s a good idea to buy a dozen copies of the same, identical suit that you will wear for a decade and then just decide that you can wear whatever as long as you Bedazzle your face before leaving the house. Do whatever is right for your, my beloved Vaseline, but always think about how people perceive you.”

Those are the best excerpts from Wayne’s parenting book, but if anyone else got the leaked copy and has some other gems they’d like to distribute, leave them in the comments. And all jokes aside, congrats to Wayne and Katy on their newborn child!