Nothing has caused more family feuds in my childhood home than Mario Kart. All civility, all love dies on the track. What dignity remains until some bastard uses a blue shell while I’m in the lead. They’re dead to me at that moment. Wouldn’t you like to experience this sort of home-trained rage out on a controlled, public circuit? Now you can!
What’s being called a “live version of Mario Kart” is coming this weekend to the streets of Tulsa.
Boulder Dash is an adult tricycle competition featuring 64 teams of three racing their way through a course that will progressively becomes more difficult in hopes of being crowned the champion.
“Be a kid again at Boulder Dash and relive those memories of your childhood but tack on a head-to-head competition, plenty of crashes and thousands of screaming, cheering spectators,” officials said on Boulder Dash’s website.
Pump the brakes before you get excited. *wait for groans, eye-rolls and Dad laughs to stop.*
How the hell does this thing not end in injury and disaster? When going to the Boulder Dash website, the only actual requirements include team specifications, what attire to wear, and no shoving. Have they ever played Mario Kart? Pushing someone is the least of your concerns.
That is why we have come up with a list of predictable, yet terrible ways for this event to go…
Imagine a hard shell being cracked on the back of your helmet as you driving downhill towards the finish line; Or crashing into pedestrians due to a rogue banana peel; Or even having bullets fly past you as you make a hard turn.
Awful Oklahoma Drivers
Most Oklahoma drivers are shitty by design. Their consistent rage and lack of turn signal is the ripe recipe for constant car crashes and never-ending traffic. And now you want to put them on a track only guarded by hay bales and on-lookers?
There is a 100 percent chance that someone is going to interfere with the race. Whether for a laugh or just being a dick, someone is going to toss something onto the track.
No saving Lakitu
There’ll be no cute turtle in a cloud to save you when you crash. You’d be lucky to have indifferent EMSA workers wondering why you did something so stupid in the first place.
All the way from the haphazard realms of Sooner-Con come the nerds in unnecessarily complicated costumes! Watch as a man in a papier-mache Bowser shell tries to fit into a tiny cart for 20 minutes before giving up. Or worse, getting wrecked into by a grown woman in a Peach costume.
Every track feels like Rainbow Road
Tulsa road systems are horeshit anyways. Now imagine those same roads with nostalgia-crazed drivers. There are no easy tracks- only doom.