Three Tips for a Safe, Efficient Fourth of July

As my boss Paul mentioned yesterday in this fine article, Oklahoma is the most dangerous place in the universe to celebrate the 4th of July. As someone who once nearly choked to death on a Black Snake at my sister’s annual 4th of July Russian Roulette-A-Q, I know this to be 100% true.

As a public service message to our viewers across the globe, here are three tips on how to celebrate a safe and efficient 4th of July.

Safe Firework handling…

Man, are fireworks fun. There’s nothing in the world like gunpowder and debris raining down from the sky. That being said, tip one is as follows.

If someone is recording you lighting a series of fireworks in a questionable manner, it might be a good idea to quickly rethink your strategy.

I’m not saying that filming your home-made pyrotechnics is the cause, I’m merely stating that there is an abundance of videos of fingers flying and fireworks prematurely bursting on Reddit.

Next time Chet asks you to film him hand-firing a fistful of M-80’s, either advise him otherwise OR remember to film horizontally for the betterment of my Karma balance.

If you’re a wuss, wear sunscreen

If you’re anything like me, the Fourth of July is an all-day outdoor extravaganza complete with binge-drinking, exposed forearms, and drunken calls to my ex-wife.

I can’t help with the ex-wife situation, but I can help with your sizzling red skin.

Re-apply. For God’s sake, re-apply.

Sure, that Coppertone will keep you feeling fine for a couple hours, but that low SPF can only go so far. Bringing beer into the mix doesn’t help either. You could slap me across the chest with a 2×4 and I’d barely notice if i was deep enough in the bottle, so a sunburn isn’t exactly going to be something I pick up on until it’s too late.

As the pastiest man I know, I’d recommend a nice SPF 90 dousing every hour on the hour. I know it sucks smelling like sunscreen all day, but it’s far better than your sheets feeling like sandpaper on your demolished epidermis for a week.

Drink smarter, not harder.

What springs instantly to my mind when I think of the 4th of July is Bud Light, Cowboy Killers, and a deep-seated feeling of nationalist pride.

Now I know Bud Light is cheap, and that means you can buy more of it…but at what cost?

Personally, I hate having to down can after can in order to feel something. I mean, this is my day off. There’s only so much time at my disposal to become properly sauced before I’m back in the office counting down the hours ‘til my next bout of freedom.

Much like your Silverado, heavy-duty is the way to go.

Take a trip to your local liquor store and venture down their disappointingly stocked beer aisle. Despite the lack of selection, the key to efficient intoxication is hidden within.

The Double IPA. Oh yes, all the great taste of an IPA but with a completely recklessly high percentage of alcohol. If I can be so bold, I’d recommend Scofflaw’s Double Jeopardy.

Why is this “drinking smarter” and not just called drinking like a hipster with early signs of alcoholism?

Think about the logistics.

You’re driving home from wherever you saw fireworks and you’re pulled over by OKC’s finest.

“How many beers have you had, son?”

You can proudly answer with a number that will be less than half of what it would have been, had you chosen Bud Light.

Have a wonderful holiday, everyone. Don’t drink and drive.

Uncle Lenny is our newest contributor. We don’t know a lot about him.