Weekend News Recap

After an extra-long holiday weekend, it’s back to the office this morning. Whether you took full advantage and went to the lake and blew shit up and drank too many Naturdays, or simply stayed in the air conditioning and binge-watched Stranger Things, the holiday hangover is real this week. To help ease you back to reality, here’s some dumb local news that you may have missed:

Independence Day Mess

I totally agree with the sentiment that if you’re gonna have a low-rent, bootleg 4th of July fireworks show in the park, clean up your goddamn mess and don’t litter. However, the most noteworthy part about this article is that the 2 people interviewed have the last names America and Lonewolf. Y’all are wilding out in Tulsa.

Now That’s What I Call A Sticky Situation

In maybe one of the strangest GTA moves I’ve ever seen, this guy stole an ice cream truck, left it a few miles away, and didn’t even touch the ice cream. Better believe if it was me I’d be going back for some of that Moo-llennium Crunch, or at least a couple of fudge bars, but this guy was just looking for a free ride. To each his own, maybe he was lactose intolerant, or just opened the containers and licked the top.

Is State-wide Mass Transit Coming To Oklahoma?

It’s difficult to parse out what any of this means for the future of Oklahoma based on this short article, but if we’re being optimistic here, let’s hope that it means we’ll have a committee to address public transit needs for the state. We’ve all dreamed about taking a train to Tulsa or Norman or wherever to see a show or spend an evening just enjoying ourselves without having to worry about the long and drowsy drive home.

Breaking Weather News

Wow. So you’re saying July in Oklahoma is going to be dry and hot? Get out of town! Let me guess? August will be dry and hot, too? If so, stop the presses.

Dog Thieves Wanted

I can understand why some low-lifes like to steal Amazon packages off porches. It’s a low level crime where you not only get to experience the thrill of stealing, but also the surprise of what’s inside the box. But stealing a dog? That’s cruel and unusual porch-piratry. If you know who these people are, either extort them or call crime stoppers.

Teenagers Are Undefeated

I’ve seen some pretty silly and bad teenage graffiti in my day, but this just takes the cake. Back in my day, we’d settle for going into the drainage ditch and just spraypainting the word “FUCK” or something similar. These kids went all-out with “SATAN IS LORD” on a church, which is about as dumb and disrespectful without going full Norwegian black metal and burning the thing down as you can get. Not gonna condone this behavior, but what else can you get up to on a hot Muskogee night?

Taze The Whales

The shocking discover??? They were shocking fish. Yeah, that’s right – you can just poke a cattle prod or a stun gun down into the lake and just zap fish. I always assumed the idea was to just sit outside and drink cans of beer and not talk to your buddies for hours, but these guys had other ideas.

In case you’re wondering why your Duncan Bros. stylist has a teardrop tattoo… 

Steven’s Sports Beat

Well sports fans, it was fun while it lasted right? I am not a basketball expert or executive, but I predict a pretty thin next couple of years. Let’s hope OU or oSu have decent seasons if we have any hope of seeing competitive basketball.

Thin? I mean horrible. If Westbrook hightails it out of town, the Thunder will be horrible. And we were disappointed when the Thunder lost the Western Conference finals after having a 3-1 lead. Standby.

When you think about it all in this context, however, the chain of events doesn’t seem so bad. Along the way, we got two years of Paul George, which means two years that the Thunder probably would’ve missed the play-offs altogether. (-Steven)