The 11 inevitable steps of an Oklahoma women’s craft night

Whether it is a rugged desire for self-reliance ingrained in all native Oklahomans or an unhealthy obsession and idolization of the Pioneer Woman, for some reason women in our state love to craft their own things. I am no different. I would much rather collect an ungodly amount of empty pickle jars to collect dust under my sink and stock up on half priced fabric at Walmart with the hope that I will one day have the time and motivation to make something useful rather than actually buy something useful. I have a feeling that many other Oklahoma women have the same mentality and experiences when it comes to crafting. So here are the 12 stages of an Oklahoma women’s craft night.

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Spend an ungodly amount of time on Pinterest

The first step to a successful Oklahoma women’s craft night is spending some time on Pinterest. Sure, this means sacrificing time you could’ve spent going to the gym, completing tasks at work, or reading the book collecting cobwebs on your nightstand. But you have to make room in your schedule if you’re going to have a Pinterest board full of unique and creative craft night ideas that you’ll totally use, like rake jewelry holders, burlap roses, and mason jar tissue dispensers.

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Go to a craft store

Most Oklahoma crafters prefer to drop their dollars at Hobby Lobby, but I am a bigger fan of Walmart. The selection of fabric and other crafty things might be smaller at Walmart, but Hobby Lobby doesn’t sell wine.

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Refrain from engaging in cultural appropriation

Walmart has a big selection of glittered sugar skull fabric and dream catcher patterns. There is nothing inherently wrong with buying these fabrics. That is, unless you are a white woman with a Pinterest idea. Because with the increased sightings of dream catcher tattoos and Dia de los Muertos-inspired clothing and accessories, it seems like the current fad in fashion and décor among Oklahoma white women is cultural appropriation.

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Get overzealous in your purchases

Ultimately, you end up spending more on fabric, polyester stuffing, and novelty OU Football buttons to make crafty items than you would spend by actually buying the things you’ll be attempting to craft.

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Set high expectations

This early in the craft night you are still running off of the adrenaline buying $45 worth of Walmart fabric while your mind is racing, trying to decide which of the 52 ideas you’re going to try first. So at this point, your confidence is high enough to attempt the pattern of the 13-step insulated koozie you’re already excited to bust out at the next lake day.

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Fail on the first craft

Can anyone tell me what in the actual f*@% this is supposed to be? Because I made it (sober at that) and still can’t figure out what concept I was going for.

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Lower expectations

Now that you’ve been humbled, you rule out any craft that calls for batting, using an iron, or engaging in more than 6 steps from start to completion.

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Have an inevitable existential crisis

"Beginner patterns" my ass. This comes shortly after you fail at your second attempt at a craft. Somehow failing at sewing a goddang fabric scrap coaster snowballs into the existential fear that you’ve never really accomplished anything worthwhile in life.

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Lower expectations again

After a solid 17 minutes of staring blankly at the $37 worth of craft supplies that remain strung around your coffee table, you somehow override your desire to give up to spend the rest of the night rewatching The Office for the 6^th time and find a craft that supposedly takes 3 steps and less than 30 minutes to complete.

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Complete a project successfully

After 3+ hours of sitting in your living room floor becoming more disappointed in yourself than your grandma was when you started “living in sin,” you finish a project that ends up actually resembling the instructions on Pinterest. For a brief moment you even feel prouder of this creation than you do of your college degree. You snap 5-7 photos of your completed project to text to your mom and post on Instagram, and with a renewed sense of vigor and confidence you decide to…

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Make 10 more of the successfully completed project

I’m going to need another friend or cousin to get knocked up pretty soon, because I have about a dozen of these sweet custom spit-up towels made up with no one to give them to.

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As a kid Hayley accidentally used a sewing machine to attach her ring finger to a pair of pajamas. Those pajamas then won a blue ribbon in the Oklahoma State Fair for sewing. Follow Hayley on twitter @squirrellygeek