Weekend News Recap

Hello, good morning and salutations to you Monday maniacs. It’s Brandon again.

Writing this article at work on my break has been the highlight of an aggressively exhausting week. Most of this weekend was either spent avoiding direct sunlight, sleeping or listening to customers talk about how the millennial generation is continuing to ruin the country. My response? Billy Joel. As for the news, you might have experienced the typical plights of summer with new hints nostalgia and bigotry. What a time to be alive, right? Let’s catch up on what you may have missed:

Oklahomans want ICE out

It isn’t often that Oklahomans are on the forefront for progress. These strings of tweets make me proud. Regardless of your political affiliation, you have to take a moment to appreciate the gall to stand out in this hellish heat and stand for something you believe in. There’s something to be said about these camps- they’re uniting everyone with common sense against them.

Remembering the Apollo 11 moon landing

If you were alive when rock n’ roll was awesome and Walter Cronkite’s mustache gave people hope, then there’s a good chance that you remember 50 years ago to the moon landing. It was an age of exploration only revived by Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos going full bond villain and conspiracy theorists losing their god damn minds. Speaking of conspiracy theorists, here’s Buzz Aldrin punching one of these jackasses.

I’ll never not watch this and laugh.

Summer continues heat stroke streak

It is my long-held belief that this summer is attempting to kill us all. We can’t enjoy our “worry-free” summer because we’re too stressed about dying every time the sun touches us. Hell isn’t empty; it’s just relocated to the Midwest. This isn’t summer- this is death.

This “cold front” might as well be someone peeing on you and calling it rain. Regardless of what some thermostat-studying yahoo might say, stay indoors.

Make Straws Great Again

Normally, I wouldn’t give my time to such an idiotic attempt at merchandising; however, this could benefit Oklahoma lawmakers. More specifically, the lawmakers like Sen. James Leewright who prevented cities from imposing a fee on plastic bags. Now, you can corner the market on stupidity. Brilliant!

Touring students sink ships at Gallogly College

A word to the wise: perhaps administrators need to wait to see how the person pans out before naming a college after him or her. I guess it’s appropriate in this sense- sink someone’s battleship in a building named after someone that almost sunk a university.

Mayor Holt and Senator Bice went brewery hopping with the local newspaper reporter in a effort to present themselves as relatable politicians

It looks like Mayor Holt has moved onto the next stage of grief since Russell Westbrook left. Also, brewery-hopping is an odd way to measure economic development in the city. I might try that next time I want to get plastered. “No, honey, I’m not getting drunk tonight with the guys; I’m researching Oklahoma’s economy through alcohol.”

Animal shelter preps conspiracy idiots for Area 51 raid

What was once a meme has turned into a full-fledged idiotic assault on Area 51.  A local animal shelter decided to embrace the madness and give these dipshits the chance to adopt a dog. One can only hope that someone picks up a dog and thinks twice before marching towards their inevitable detainment or demise.

Steven’s Sports Beat 

The good news this week is that the Thunder were not traded to Canada for a handful of glass beads and 6 beaver pelts. It’s only 2/3 the way through July so stand by.

2019 has come and gone and our resident Californian Poke Flo Rida resident made it through another season without a major championship. I’m not here to beat a dead horse and I’m not on the bandwagon “let’s bash Rickie” mode. Complete opposite as a matter of fact. His only downfall is he wears that gross color every Sunday. I’d much rather see Rickie win than Jordan Spieth or Sergio Garcia. Jordan hails from that gross school in Austin and Sergio once waved my buddy and I off like peasants at the Byron Nelson in Las Colinas a few years ago. F U Sergio

I’m not sure what’s more embarrassing. I didn’t know there was a former Edmond product playing for the Jazz or that this is what he made the news for in his hometown.

Brandon thinks if you have to poop, do it at work. At least you get paid for it then. Follow him on Twitter @notshabbywriter and Instagram @brandonking1994.