Good morning, everyone. Yes, that includes you. My name is Brandon King and I’d rather have a donkey kick me in the small of my back than endure another Monday; however, writing these Weekend News Recaps for you has made the weekend slightly more enjoyable. As one of my idols once sang, “Life’s a piece of shit when you look at it. Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true. You’ll see it’s all a show, keep ’em laughing as you go. Just remember the last laugh is on you.” Or if that doesn’t suit your fancy, try what my Dad told me last year: “Son, most of the world is full of idiots. The best you can hope for is to make it out without being stupid yourself.”
Anyways, let’s take a look at what you missed while you were avoiding the rest of the world:
Candy Gram for inmates
A special delivery at an Oklahoma prison has landed two people behind bars. https://t.co/OQiNMc6RtZ
— KFOR (@kfor) July 26, 2019
First up, some of the most Wile E. Coyote shit I’ve ever heard of. These two idiots tried to throw the contraband over the fence as though the move was nonchalant. Also, someone should show this to our Cheeto-in-Chief- see, walls don’t work.
Next time, try the ole Sheriff Bart approach.
Call 1-800-2 Sell Horse
New Incentive Program Aims To Find Homes For Oklahoma's Wild Horses https://t.co/YTcEikMXsA
— News 9 (@NEWS9) July 26, 2019
As it turns out, Oklahoma has more horses than federal agencies know what to do with. Their answer: pay people $1,000 over the course of a one-year adoption. On the bright side now you have the ultimate gift for that weird niece who’s way too into horses.
Something lurks in Lake Thunderbird
— Norman Transcript (@NormanNews) July 26, 2019
Great, now we have to contend with modern dinosaurs when we go to the lake. Add them to the list of dead bodies, trash, and drunks chugging Coors Light while belting Toby Keith like assholes. If we can get two in the water, we can finally make the Syfy classic Dino Croc vs. Supergator.
Move over KD, there’s a new cupcake queen in town!
Tiphani Anderson from Midwest City is a baking star. https://t.co/o23e4P5cLD
— KFOR (@kfor) July 28, 2019
“Shut up and take my money!”
Epic Charter Schools will receive public funds as usual this school year, despite state investigators alleging the virtual charter school embezzled millions of taxpayer dollars.https://t.co/w9BP4dVmt5 pic.twitter.com/c9ngJi07cp
— Oklahoma Watch (@OklahomaWatch) July 26, 2019
I guess all those Epic Charter school ads and political donations paid off! Oklahoma is going to continue to fund Epic Charter Schools while it’s under investigation by the OSBI, FBI and Dept of Education for embezzling millions and millions of state funds. That being said, we’re not sure how much this get paid to send your kid to school thing will last, so enroll your son or daughter in the $800 club today while there’s still a chance.
Mostly white college chooses “white out” football season opener
— News 9 (@NEWS9) July 28, 2019
The University of Oklahoma – a college rocked by racist actions and a less-than-reputable year decides it’s a good idea for everyone to dress in all white. What could possibly go wrong when everyone is dressed in white?
Cat Video Fest returns on August 3rd
— KOCO-5 Oklahoma City (@koconews) July 28, 2019
Do you like cats? Are you avoiding theaters while children and obnoxious people sing to The Lion King? Then grab a lawn chair and enjoy the company of awkward strangers watching cat videos on a massive screen on August 3rd.
Steven’s Sports Beat
Hey @MLB scouts, watch out 👀
— Rumble the Bison (@rumblethebison) July 28, 2019
Rumble has a great sense of humor re-sharing this. I would have come up with a thousand excuses as to why I accidentally knocked the beer out of the hand of nice lady in the 6th row. While I have never put on a furry head the main fear of mine is not the heat, which is a close second, but the smell. I cannot imagine what that thing must smell like after pregame, 4 quarters of basketball, and post game pictures.
TULSA — The West beat the East 109-89 in the large school All-State boys basketball game Thursday night at the Oral Roberts University Mabee Center. https://t.co/L66YgWp5OW
— The Edmond Sun (@edmondsun) July 28, 2019
High school basketball has joined the ranked the NBA’s All Star Game for its “offense only” strategy. More so I can only assume the college coaches allow them to participate if they promise to not get hurt. Although a high school kid diving after a rebound is less likely to get hurt than I would be pulling up for a jump shot.
“You want to try and tame him.
It’s probably best if you just let him off the leash.”
— NFL (@NFL) July 28, 2019
Every Sooner fan better thank a Tech fan for the rest of the Big 12’s existence (which is hopefully not much longer). Kingsbury should be high on the list for double favors. One, letting Baker just walk off the Lubbock campus, and two, insisting the Cards pick Murray in the the next years draft. Please let football season get here already.
— thegeekout (@thegeekout) July 28, 2019
Not really “Oklahoma Sports” but every parent of an elementary school boy will now have to contend with the fact all their sons will try and convince their parents to let them drop out of school so they can practice full time. My poor sister already has to fight the argument that Fortnite is not really a sport even though the tournament is played in front of 23,000 fans on the Arthur Ashe Center Court in Flushing Meadows. If you are not a tennis fan thats where the USTA host the US Open next month.
Normanite leading today https://t.co/z36dppfwGO
— Brian Brinkley (@BrianBrinkleyOK) July 28, 2019
For the second week in a row I am finding out there is a local phenom kicking butt in the sports world via Twitter. On the other hand if it were not for Twitter I probably would not have any clue that there was a local kicking butt and taking names.