Earlier this year, one of the richest companies in the world announced they were going to build two fulfillment centers in Oklahoma. Since the creepily-named warehouses are opening soon, Amazon is looking for warm bodies to shuffle through its aisles and fill society’s every desire, all while the company trains a robot army to replace them.
Looking for a job? Amazon is now accepting applications for more than 1,500 jobs at its first fulfillment center in Oklahoma City.
According to officials, applications will be accepted from Aug. 2 to Sept. 19 for various full-time jobs . Compensation for the open positions ranges from $15 to $17.80 an hour with comprehensive health care benefits starting on day one, up to 20 weeks paid parental leave, 401(k), and company stock awards.
Amazon also offers full-time employees innovative programs like Career Choice, where the company will pre-pay up to 95 percent of tuition for courses related to in-demand fields, regardless of whether the skills are relevant to a career at Amazon, according to company officials.
Ever look at a job listing and wonder “what’s the catch?” In this scenario, I imagine all it requires is the small payment of your soul. We don’t think that should stop anyone from applying for a job which could help them. That is why we at TLO want to help you nail that job interview for America’s coolest cult.
Get an Amazon Tramp Stamp
Nothing says loyalty like getting something permanent plastered onto your skin. Think of it much like a blood oath but without all the chanting and possible STD transfer.
Leaked reports came out that Amazon workers were hurt on the job. Some insubordinate workers claimed the injury was caused by lousy work conditions and lack of mobility. Don’t let that stop you. Move like a ninja and make that money!
Wear a diaper
Using the restroom while on the clock could be considered time theft. For added effect, wear the diaper to the interview and proceed to shit while never breaking eye-contact with the interviewer. They’ll like that.
Say goodbye to your loved ones
One of the key steps to joining any cult is to say goodbye to your family and friends. Companies, especially Amazon, will require your full attention. You’ll have plenty of time to spend with your family once you’re dead.
Become a cyborg
The only way to function in the machine to BE THE MACHINE! Substitute your pitiful human organs for a sweet set of gears, cogs, and the optional machine gun.
Give thanks to Daddy Bezos
Think of Jeff Bezos like the modern Santa Claus; with the exception that Bezos can wreck a career. Since he’s probably listening somewhere secluded, give as much thanks to the big, bald boss as you can.