10 tips for incoming OU freshmen

Outside of being an OU senior staring down student debt and the current job market, there is nothing funnier and sadder to watch than a herd of doe-eyed freshmen and their parents touring campus. It’s about the same look a cow gives as it’s being led down the cold, metallic slaughterhouse assembly line. But it’s that time of year once again…

Via The Norman Transcript:

The University of Oklahoma campus and surrounding area is about to get a lot busier, with the first students for the school year moving in this week.

OU Move-In starts on Wednesday, Aug. 7, though the majority of students won’t move in until next week. The university has provided move-in instructions for students and their families coming to Norman before classes begin on Aug. 19.

Soon, fresh-faced idiots will pile into dorm rooms not fit for human habitation. From there, they will mature into the hardened cynics we have all become. Before they take that first step into pseudo-adulthood, we wanted to give the newbies some advice to help them in their college career.

1. Pace yourself

This isn’t Animal House and not every night is a party night; we save those type of nights for after midterms and finals. You have 4+ years to figure out the routine. Go to The Deli or O’Connells if you’re looking to make weekday regrets.

2. When in doubt, go to The Mont

There are many staples of Norman, but The Mont is king. If you have a decent fake ID, this place will get you the right type of day drunk on swirls to conquer whatever anxiety-inducing class you have. According to The Lost Ogle show, if you don’t get their cheese fries, you’re not doing it right.

3. Stay away from Sugers

Have you ever stepped into a rundown movie theater? Where the floors are sticky and the place faintly smells of mold and stale cigarettes? Imagine that but add a disaffected DJ randomly playing the OU fight song while a woman in her late 40’s shoots breast milk from her corset. Did I forget to mention it’s in an alley between a fitness store and a Fuzzy’s Tacos? You also don’t need a fake ID. Just say you know Al Eschbach and they’ll let you in.

4. Treat professors with respect when they tell you about their love life.

Whether it’s a grueling professor complaining about his dumpy wife or the former director of the OU drama school, just know there’s always going to be creeps on campus. It’s best to stick in groups.

5. Don’t crowd the athletes

You may be starstruck by seeing an athlete in person for the first time. Don’t panic. Other than the whole free tuition, tutoring and other special perks and privileges, they are just like you – going to class to survive another day during the semester.

6. Enjoy the Gardens

Or maybe not.

7. Pilfer all free concessions

You can’t always go to Campus Corner- you’ll go broke down that road. Stop by some pointless fundraiser, act like you care, and take as much food and drinks as possible.

8. Protest the school’s next racist incident

Sadly, this is becoming one of OU’s most storied traditions.

9. Find the right tailgate

Before you trudge through Norman traffic on game day, find where the best tailgates will be. Get comfortable because “leaving early to beat the crowds” isn’t an option.

10. Know what to yell

When I shout “Boomer!” what do you respond with? If I scream, “Texas!”, you better yell “sucks!” right after. Your entire college career is hinged on knowing what to say and when to say it.

Brandon plans to graduate next May and never look back. Follow him on Twitter @notshabbywriter and Instagram @brandonking1994.