Outside of being an OU senior staring down student debt and the current job market, there is nothing funnier and sadder to watch than a herd of doe-eyed freshmen and their parents touring campus. It’s about the same look a cow gives as it’s being led down the cold, metallic slaughterhouse assembly line. But it’s that time of year once again…
The University of Oklahoma campus and surrounding area is about to get a lot busier, with the first students for the school year moving in this week.
OU Move-In starts on Wednesday, Aug. 7, though the majority of students won’t move in until next week. The university has provided move-in instructions for students and their families coming to Norman before classes begin on Aug. 19.
Soon, fresh-faced idiots will pile into dorm rooms not fit for human habitation. From there, they will mature into the hardened cynics we have all become. Before they take that first step into pseudo-adulthood, we wanted to give the newbies some advice to help them in their college career.
1. Pace yourself
This isn’t Animal House and not every night is a party night; we save those type of nights for after midterms and finals. You have 4+ years to figure out the routine. Go to The Deli or O’Connells if you’re looking to make weekday regrets.
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2. When in doubt, go to The Mont
There are many staples of Norman, but The Mont is king. If you have a decent fake ID, this place will get you the right type of day drunk on swirls to conquer whatever anxiety-inducing class you have. According to The Lost Ogle show, if you don’t get their cheese fries, you’re not doing it right.
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3. Stay away from Sugers
Have you ever stepped into a rundown movie theater? Where the floors are sticky and the place faintly smells of mold and stale cigarettes? Imagine that but add a disaffected DJ randomly playing the OU fight song while a woman in her late 40’s shoots breast milk from her corset. Did I forget to mention it’s in an alley between a fitness store and a Fuzzy’s Tacos? You also don’t need a fake ID. Just say you know Al Eschbach and they’ll let you in.
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4. Treat professors with respect when they tell you about their love life.
Whether it’s a grueling professor complaining about his dumpy wife or the former director of the OU drama school, just know there’s always going to be creeps on campus. It’s best to stick in groups.
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5. Don’t crowd the athletes
You may be starstruck by seeing an athlete in person for the first time. Don’t panic. Other than the whole free tuition, tutoring and other special perks and privileges, they are just like you – going to class to survive another day during the semester.
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6. Enjoy the Gardens
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7. Pilfer all free concessions
You can’t always go to Campus Corner- you’ll go broke down that road. Stop by some pointless fundraiser, act like you care, and take as much food and drinks as possible.
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8. Protest the school’s next racist incident
Sadly, this is becoming one of OU’s most storied traditions.
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9. Find the right tailgate
Before you trudge through Norman traffic on game day, find where the best tailgates will be. Get comfortable because “leaving early to beat the crowds” isn’t an option.
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10. Know what to yell
When I shout “Boomer!” what do you respond with? If I scream, “Texas!”, you better yell “sucks!” right after. Your entire college career is hinged on knowing what to say and when to say it.
Brandon plans to graduate next May and never look back. Follow him on Twitter @notshabbywriter and Instagram @brandonking1994.
Be nice to campus police officers
And try not to act embarrassed when your Mom shows up to Walker Tower once a week when you are a Freshman, to look at your dorm room and collect your laundry. Expect it.
Bring our fearless leader back, David Boren will always be Mr. OU, Boomer Sooner!
I feel sorry for you kids. Back in my day we graduated high school then went out and got drunk every night for the next ten years. Somewhere along the way we found ourselves married, sometimes divorced and always with 2.6 kids in tow. We then settled down to a dead end, crappy paying job slogging through it for 37.2 years until we qualified for a meager pension. After that we realized our lives have been pretty much wasted and resigned ourselves to watching our grandkids steal what little shit we had to fuel their meth habits. One day they realized we had been dead for 6 weeks and had the coroner haul our bloated remains from our rat infested single-wide to be used as medical cadavers to save the cost of a funeral. Now you guys shoe horn eight years to get a four year degree and more personal debt than Bolivia just to repeat the above sequence. Sorry.
1. Don’t park your car outside the parking garages.
2. Don’t park your car anywhere on campus if you plan to leave during a game day.
3. If you are a parent who just bought your kid a new car to go to OU – it will sit there for six-twelve months in the sun/rain/dirt/hail unused and possibly get broken into – plus you pay for parking. I often felt sorry for your brand new Lexus cover in bird shit. Leave the car at home – UBER.
4. 1 out of 50 new bikes gets ridden. The rest are locked to bike racks with no cover, melt into rust, and get cut free at the end of the year and trashed when no one claims them.
5. The old dorms are full of mold and fungus – if you are sensitive, don’t live there. It is a lie freshman have to live on campus (but you have to live in a 50-mile radius – use a friend’s house as proof.) Four years of migraines and severe allergies working there nearly killed me – December 2018 is when a student ordered a private study of her dorm room and found this out.
6. Don’t make fun of ugly, older people on campus – most of them control your admissions, grades, and financial aid, nonetheless control if you go to OU or not.
7. Move in the day AFTER Move in day – I’m serious, if you don’t you’ll find out why. This helps if you have a parent with a very low tolerance for frustration and long waits in the hot sun in a line that stretches forever.
8. If you are a person from a low-income and/or first-generation college student background – hook up with Project Threshold. It is the only outreach program on campus for this demographic and they will help you stay afloat at OU 🙂
9. If you are a person of color or a diversely gendered person – get in a student community group immediately and connect with your people. You will need community support immediately.
10. Never just sit in your dorm and be depressed with this big change in your life. New friends, new place, new rules, no mom and dad babysitting your business, and new food plus much harder classes can freak you out. Add to that drinking and drugs – you can have a bad time and flunk out in six month. Join a student group that does stuff you like to do. You’ll meet cool people and have connections with upper-class people, always have fun things to do, and you won’t be alone. There is also mental health support and plenty of places around campus corner than will give you prescriptions for helpful meds.
(11 is a secret rule – MMJ is not allowed on campus if you have a card – that includes the dorms, outside, inside, in the basement, on the top of the Weather Center, and anywhere else OU owns the air. Don’t do it – you can get expelled and it will be a HUGE deal this year. Just go off-campus or grab some well-made, non-stinky, gummi bears or chocolate chip cookies.)
Diversely Gendered Person ? Say What? Explain
Does the dorm food still make you shit immediately after eating?
You might want to add “Don’t post stupid shit on social media.” If you’re underage, don’t post party pics. If you put a mud mask on your face, just put your phone in the fridge. If your fraternity has a racist chant, make sure no one is filming it.
Don’t smoke anywhere on campus, not even in your car with the windows rolled up in a campus parking lot…cops have hid & watched for such nefarious activities and issued tickets for it.
And if you live in the dorms be aware that there are hidden cameras disguised as smoke alarms & heat detectors…in the entrances, elevators, lounges and hallways. The walls have eyes.
Other unsolicited advice to OU students.
1- Try to understand how lucky you are. I graduated 51 years ago from the place and now get to lead some seminars on campus. Presidents, regents, legislators, parents, taxpayers, faculty and staff have all worked hard to make our flagship university special. Appreciate it.
2 through 10- Read #1 again. Don’t blow your chance.
Don’t use the Monts bathrooms. They are filthy and stink. Actually The Mont is not very clean.