Ada Cops Wisely Invest In Mil. Spec. M-ATV

According to elite news organizations like KFOR Newschannel 4, the Ada police department has recently acquired the above pictured vehicle. What exactly is this 23 ton automobile? I’d be delighted to elaborate.

The MATV is an acronym for a very long name, which is as follows – Mine Resistant Ambush Protected All-Terrain Vehicle. Seeing action in as exotic locations as Afghanistan, this time-tested machine is built to protect and serve.

You’re probably expecting some scathing remarks from up on my high horse, but, like in all my articles prior, you should be prepared for disappointment.

This was an incredible call by Ada P.D. Not only did they save the taxpayers thousands by purchasing this stud of an automobile through the Law Enforcement Support Program, they were aided additionally by private sources, making this a no-brainer decision. Before you jump the gun and say something absurd like “Why the fuck do they need this,” imagine the multitude of ways the public can and will benefit from its implementation.

Image result for somali pirates

What would we do if Somali pirates launch another attack on Del City? Do you think they’d be able to take on that threat alone? Hell no. They’re so unable to maintain a defensive force that they’ve taken to putting up billboards begging anyone with two brain cells and a disdain for minorities to join the force.

As per my intro breakdown of what an M-ATV is, I think it speaks for itself on why exactly it would be a game-changer in this conflict. Water is a terrain, and as such, this all-terrain behemoth will be able to ride out across the North Canadian River to put a stop to the revenge of the Somali pirates.

Nice try, nerds, but you might as well float on back to the Gulf of Aden.

As if that wasn’t enough to validate the recent acquisition of this A-Team inspired miracle, it has even more potential further use waiting to be explored.

Image result for dan bilzerian tank

One thing I’ve noticed about Oklahoma is the lack of exotic rentals. In order to get a proper super-vehicle of any sort, you have to make a several hour trip in one direction or another. Well, here’s a good start.

Imagine the implications of renting this vehicle out for special events and visitors.

Do you really want to drive away from your wedding in a limo? Limos are just long sedans, and that shit isn’t nearly butch enough for any of the blue-blooded Okies I’ve encountered. Oh no, what you really want is a 7.2 liter inline-6 C7 turbo-diesel machine to boldly carry you forth into the vestiges of your new marriage.

Say goodbye to your childhood in style at your Quinceañera by making a strong show of your newfound adulthood. If I know one thing about becoming an adult, it’s that you will run into a landmine or two. Usually, this is figurative, but in some cases it can be literal. You’ll be prepared for any and all IED’s while simultaneously committing a massive flex on your classmates, family, and friends.

Why do you think celebrities like Matt Damon only stay for the minimum required time when they visit Oklahoma? We lack the proper accoutrements to ensure their safety and comfort during their stay. I’m confident we can attain a massive uptake in tourism by presenting this as a rental option to visitors of note. How else can we expect members of the upper echelon like Dan Bilzerian to drop by for a weekend if we can’t provide them with all the comforts of home?

Not only will this get us national attention, it will also provide local law enforcement with more funds to aid their ongoing battle against those filthy, doped-up stoners.

Win-win, right?

Image result for games cause violence news

My final stanchion in my argument for this vehicle is quite simple. The crime rate will drop to zero in Ada.

Do you really think someone would be audacious enough to rob the local supermarket again when they’re risking going toe-to-toe with a machine built to withstand got-damn gunfire and explosions?

Fuck no.

I’d be astonished if anyone was ballsy enough to do so much as litter with that monstrosity potentially lurking in any dark alley, waiting to protect Gotham at any cost. The M-ATV isn’t the hero Ada deserves, but it’s the one it needs. I doubt a single twisted, vile gamer will even imagine shooting someone now that this baby is out protecting and serving the hell outta Ada.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

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28 Responses

  1. Somehow, I feel like we may have paid for that.

  2. Imagine what it will do to the roads of Pontotoc County. Alternatively I guess the roads are so bad that law enforcement needs a monster armored vehicle to navigate them? It will be a big hit at the next local parade or busting up the next out-of-control frat party at East-Central, anyway.

  3. Great job Ada! If it prevents one injury or saves one person, it’s worth every nickel.

    Del City is prepared to defend against pirates of all origin. Swashbuckling is forbidden.

    Go enjoy a beer, it’s Friday.

  4. As a doped-up stoner, I resent being called “dirty” – I’m one of the cleanest doped-up stoners you’re going to find.

  5. America, fuck yeah

  6. Now to find someone smart enough to operate it in the Ada PD. Good luck.

    1. That’s funny, and true

  7. Is that guy in the pic really sitting astride the tank’s gun barrel, being “suggestive” to all those babes surrounding him? Really? Think of the children!

    With all those military-style portable killing machines out there in the hands of good guys and bad guys alike, the cops in even our smallest towns NEED access to bigger and better military weapons. We can’t allow the Thin Blue Line that serves us and protects us from lawless chaos… to be outgunned!

    1. The guy sitting astride the tank barrel is Dan Bilzerian (professional gambler, venture capitalist,real estate speculator & all-around bro dude) and, knowing anything about his history, my guess would be that there’s nothing really suggestive at all. He’s being straight up front with them.

  8. Never heard of him, although your website’s url implies that he’s a “celebrity.”

    They set a low bar, don’t they?

    1. Perhaps you just don’t traffic in those circles, which is understandable. I see he does have 27.8 million Instagram followers, so I’m not exactly sure how low that bar is. In today’s world of online personalities, I suppose the term “celebrity” can be loosely applied.

      1. I don’t “follow” anyone on Instagram. The net worth of “celebrities” doesn’t interest me.

        Boring as my life is, it’s a lot more interesting than that.

      2. What’s Instagram?

  9. Perhaps, just perhaps, this is why some gun nuts fear the government.

    1. Best comment on this topic.
      Excellent observation and spot on.

      1. Yep, for a whole lot of ’em, it ain’t about hunting at all, regardless what they say. Or protection against someone breaking into their home. Shotgun’s best for that anyway.
        No, the “assault rifle” crowd are stocking up for civil unrest. Whether, when the time comes, they fear or go all paramilitary in support of said government depends on whether it’s “led” by some guy whose personality cult they have eagerly joined.

  10. Well, I’m convinced. Every town in Oklahoma should have one of these.

    Hey, and these would also be perfect for the condition of Oklahoma’s roads!

  11. TANK LIMO – here you go!

    For all your wedding/bachelor/bachelorette/reunion fantasies.

  12. So if something breaks, its not like you can down to the local parts store. Who do you see if that missile launcher goes down?

    1. That truck will be parked down in the bottom of some ravine very soon after a long hard night of Keystone Light and blasting the shit out of wild boars.

  13. Will it fit through the drive thru at Dunkin’ Donuts?

    1. Guess it just depends on how bad Andy , Otis,and Barney are jonesin for their donuts! They can always use that “vehicle” to make it bigger.

  14. Hate to be a stickler, but water is not terrain. Terrain, although it can be used to describe a geographic area, it denotes land as opposed to a body of water.

    Otherwise, I agree with the article

  15. Ada, Lawton, Enid, and Muskogee should have these.

    1. That truck would never hold up on Enid streets.

  16. The Ada P.D. is a forerunner! Buy before the demand drives prices up.


    Let’s save some money on law enforcement. During WW II rubber tanks were displayed in southern England to fool the Nazis about the strength of the soon to invade Allied forces. So why not learn from the past and put a rubber tank in front of every Walmart (way above the entrance so it couldn’t be touched), attach blinking blue and red lights so it will look ‘at the ready’ for action and then in flashing lettering display the following: “HEY ANGRY WHITE KID WITH THE SEMI-AUTOMATIC. MAKE MY DAY AND ENJOY YOUR LAST….PUNK!”

    Since Trump believes violent video games are at the root of the problem for all these mass shootings the ‘punk’ will plug the rubber tank, it will explode, the ‘punk’ will think he’s won the game, go home, eat a box of bon bons for lunch, fall asleep, get arrested, then sent for mental health treatment, which solves the gun problem at least in the mind of DJT which seems to be the only mind in DC that matters these days.

    PS. Senator McConnell later slips on some of the rubber tank while entering his local Walmart to buy opioids for his fractured shoulder, which was all a hoax anyway, overdoses and enters a catatonic state where some say he has been his entire political career.

    It’s a win, win win situation don’t you think?


    This is why I don’t trust cities with palindromic names, like Harrah or Ada.

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