Ada Cops Wisely Invest In Mil. Spec. M-ATV

According to elite news organizations like KFOR Newschannel 4, the Ada police department has recently acquired the above pictured vehicle. What exactly is this 23 ton automobile? I’d be delighted to elaborate.

The MATV is an acronym for a very long name, which is as follows – Mine Resistant Ambush Protected All-Terrain Vehicle. Seeing action in as exotic locations as Afghanistan, this time-tested machine is built to protect and serve.

You’re probably expecting some scathing remarks from up on my high horse, but, like in all my articles prior, you should be prepared for disappointment.

This was an incredible call by Ada P.D. Not only did they save the taxpayers thousands by purchasing this stud of an automobile through the Law Enforcement Support Program, they were aided additionally by private sources, making this a no-brainer decision. Before you jump the gun and say something absurd like “Why the fuck do they need this,” imagine the multitude of ways the public can and will benefit from its implementation.

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What would we do if Somali pirates launch another attack on Del City? Do you think they’d be able to take on that threat alone? Hell no. They’re so unable to maintain a defensive force that they’ve taken to putting up billboards begging anyone with two brain cells and a disdain for minorities to join the force.

As per my intro breakdown of what an M-ATV is, I think it speaks for itself on why exactly it would be a game-changer in this conflict. Water is a terrain, and as such, this all-terrain behemoth will be able to ride out across the North Canadian River to put a stop to the revenge of the Somali pirates.

Nice try, nerds, but you might as well float on back to the Gulf of Aden.

As if that wasn’t enough to validate the recent acquisition of this A-Team inspired miracle, it has even more potential further use waiting to be explored.

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One thing I’ve noticed about Oklahoma is the lack of exotic rentals. In order to get a proper super-vehicle of any sort, you have to make a several hour trip in one direction or another. Well, here’s a good start.

Imagine the implications of renting this vehicle out for special events and visitors.

Do you really want to drive away from your wedding in a limo? Limos are just long sedans, and that shit isn’t nearly butch enough for any of the blue-blooded Okies I’ve encountered. Oh no, what you really want is a 7.2 liter inline-6 C7 turbo-diesel machine to boldly carry you forth into the vestiges of your new marriage.

Say goodbye to your childhood in style at your Quinceañera by making a strong show of your newfound adulthood. If I know one thing about becoming an adult, it’s that you will run into a landmine or two. Usually, this is figurative, but in some cases it can be literal. You’ll be prepared for any and all IED’s while simultaneously committing a massive flex on your classmates, family, and friends.

Why do you think celebrities like Matt Damon only stay for the minimum required time when they visit Oklahoma? We lack the proper accoutrements to ensure their safety and comfort during their stay. I’m confident we can attain a massive uptake in tourism by presenting this as a rental option to visitors of note. How else can we expect members of the upper echelon like Dan Bilzerian to drop by for a weekend if we can’t provide them with all the comforts of home?

Not only will this get us national attention, it will also provide local law enforcement with more funds to aid their ongoing battle against those filthy, doped-up stoners.

Win-win, right?

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My final stanchion in my argument for this vehicle is quite simple. The crime rate will drop to zero in Ada.

Do you really think someone would be audacious enough to rob the local supermarket again when they’re risking going toe-to-toe with a machine built to withstand got-damn gunfire and explosions?

Fuck no.

I’d be astonished if anyone was ballsy enough to do so much as litter with that monstrosity potentially lurking in any dark alley, waiting to protect Gotham at any cost. The M-ATV isn’t the hero Ada deserves, but it’s the one it needs. I doubt a single twisted, vile gamer will even imagine shooting someone now that this baby is out protecting and serving the hell outta Ada.

And that’s all I have to say about that.