Part of being a functional adult is finding ways to motivate yourself to cross things off of your to-do list. For example, I like to reward myself with phone time after I accomplish household chores. That often means I spend about two hours on social media for every 30 minutes of productivity, but hey at least I have clean underwear for the week. This weekend I got stuck in the Facebook wormhole for longer than I’d like to admit and reacquainted myself with my “friends.” Here are the 7 types of people all Oklahomans have on their Facebook friends list.
1. The Grandma
For some reason your mom talked your grandmother into creating a Facebook back in 2011 to “keep up with her grandkids” because you apparently don’t call her enough. Like all Oklahoma grandmothers, her profile picture is just a photo of a bunch of peonies she bought from Homeland (or a digital picture of a Polariod from the 1982 family reunion out at Foss Lake) and the only updates that have been made since 2013 are those spam posts that tag you and the other 53 of her Facebook friends in advertisements for “$24.99 Raybans.”
2. The Non-Denominational Born-Again Christian
Not that there’s anything wrong with someone’s choice to accept Jesus into their life as their Lord and personal Savior. It’s just weird to see them post Bible quotes about turning away from sin when you personally have three memories of them showing their tits in exchange for a Keystone at various tailgates in Stillwater.
According to her Facebook bio, she’s, an oil field wife, the proud mother of Braxtonn, Baiyleigh, and Jaiydenne, and “works from home.” In fact, about every eight months or so she posts a six paragraph-long status update about being nervous and excited about “taking the plunge” into a new business opportunity. She then invites you and what seems like every other woman in the county to join the **SECRET CLOSED FACEBOOK GROUP** for her newest multi-level marketing scam.
4. The Aunt
Accepting your aunt’s Facebook friend request may have saved you from being subjected to passive aggressive conversations at family gatherings about being “too cool” to be her friend, but it also meant you had to turn to twitter to post your fire memes out of fear of her adding you to a prayer chain or inviting you to sit with your cousins at Life Church this Sunday. She also posts glittery Minion gifs and memes at least four days per week and has no idea how to properly pronounce gif or meme.
5. The Uncle
This is the uncle from some small town, like Watonga, Thomas, or Beaver, who you only interact with IRL if you happen to be going for the gravy spoon at the same time on Thanksgiving. On Facebook, if he isn’t sharing a Fox News story from 2009 or a meme about farting, he’s writing in all caps about how the liberals are ruining America and killing babies and denying Jesus and raising taxes and banning guns and taking Trump’s name in vain.
6. Mr. Wanderlust
Along with reposting vacations pictures from 2+ years ago with the captions, “take me back” or simply three emoji hearts, this person spends a lot of time complaining about the “shit hole” town they grew up in. Yet according to their Facebook bio, they have never moved away from it, let alone Oklahoma.
7. The One Who Doesn’t Know What Google Is
This friend chooses to ask all 1,297 of their Facebook friends via a status update instead of spending 4 seconds Googling answers to questions such as, “What time does the OU game start on Saturday?” “Is this a spider bite or a heat bump?” and “when does Braum’s open today?”
Hayley is probably the aunt. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek