Although she hasn’t been a part of the Oklahoma City media world since she bailed for Seattle in 2013, Liz Dueweke – or as we affectionately called her “Mean Dueweke” – is still part of the TLO-verse. She made it to the 2011 Ogle Madness Sweet 16, which is rarefied air around these parts, and to this day, we still get search engine queries from perverts looking for more information about her:
In the name of search engine optimization, Patrick should start writing more about Liz’s feet and bikinis.
Anyhoo, knowing our deep connection to Ms. Dueweke, imagine our shock and pleasure to see one of her tweets about candy go semi-viral across the OKC twitter echo chamber:
One has to go. Forever. Which one do you choose? pic.twitter.com/IBFF1nuvr0
— Liz Dueweke 🐾 (@LizDueweke) September 21, 2019
As innocent as it seems, I saw some pretty heated engagement about this. It’s almost like a Rorschach test into your Halloween treat bucket.
As an enthusiast of Halloween candy, and because it’s been a slow news weekend, I will provide you with the correct power rankings of the above candies:
6) – Milky Way
This is the obvious choice to throw in the trash. It’s only a slight improvement on the Three Musketeers by adding in a layer of caramel to the nougat and milk chocolate. I don’t even know what nougat really is, but if a candy bar is 80% made out of it, it’s gross. The texture is one-dimensional and it’s way too sweet. If this is your favorite candy, you are a psychopath.
It’s a classic candy, but has been usurped by it’s variants, which is rare in the candy realm. Usually, when a brand puts out another version of the classic, it’s a novelty and never as satisfying. But Peanut M&M’s and Peanut Butter M&M’s are so far superior to the OG that the only time you’ll bother with the plain Jane version is when all that is left in the Halloween bowl is trash like candy corn and Smartees.
4) Kit Kat
This is another brand that does offer some very competitive varietals. Swing by the sweets section at Super Cao Nguyen and you can take home delicious Kit Kat flavors like green tea or strawberry. It’s never a go-to candy for me, but the airy snap of the chocolate-covered wafers is a pleasant delight.
It almost pains me to put Snickers this low on the list, because it’s one of my all-time most consumed junk foods. Yes, it contains nougat, but the fluff is used to balance out the crunchy peanuts, sticky caramel, and brisk chocolate coating. Not only does it taste decadent, but the peanuts can fool you into thinking it’s kinda healthy because there is a recognizable food substance inside. It’s like the granola bar of gas station candy.
As you’ve seen, texture is very important to how I grade candy, and Twix has it all. The crunchy cookie topped with gooey caramel and milk chocolate is a treat that feels good to munch on, and the flavors are so simple yet perfect. However, it cannot get to the top of the list, because Twix is going up against a titan…
1) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
That’s right, the GOAT of candy. Nothing is better than a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Even though the texture is one-dimensional, the flavor explosion is so addictive. The quality of the chocolate and the weird, processed peanut butter are symbiotic, with a little bit (probably a lot) of salt to balance it all out. And it’s a candy that can be in just about any size and shape and still be great. The little mini cups that come in bags for the holidays? Crushable. The ones shaped like pumpkins or Christmas trees that are stuffed with peanut butter? Rich and delicious.
No one can persuade me that I’m wrong here, but feel free to yell at me in the comment section!