Drunk porch pirate uses honesty to get away with crimes

Pirates used to rule the seven seas. They plundered, pillaged and took all they could find. Lore of their nefarious deeds reach us even to this day with those god awful Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

Since that time, the term has been downgraded to buccaneers in cars stealing packages off people’s porches. It’s annoying yet not as troublesome as the good ole’ drunken sailor days. At least, it was until last weekend.

As it turns out, the modern pirate is very much alive and very, very drunkenly honest.

Via KOCO.com:

A woman in Choctaw said she had just come home from a friend’s wake when she caught a brutally honest porch pirate in the act.

“She said, ‘I was just stealing your stuff,'” April Patrick told KOCO 5.

Patrick caught the porch pirate red-handed, and the woman didn’t make any excuses for it. In fact, she was quite transparent about her actions.

“I said, ‘Really?’ She said, ‘Yep. I’m stealing your Pampered Chef,'” Patrick said.

The two packages the woman was trying to steal were worth $1,100.

What a gangster move.

While many of us spent our Sundays with our families, sleeping, or trying to not procrastinate on projects, this lady is out here living life-like a true pirate: getting drunk and stealing shit. Also, what excuse could she have made when Ms. Patrick found her? “Umm…hello, I’m the new UPS employee. Your Pampered Chef seems to be defective. Allow me to take it back to the factory to have it fixed.”

Sure, coming home from a friend’s wake to someone stealing your stuff is awful; however, if it makes you feel any better, she’s just out here living her best life. In the end, isn’t that what we all want?

Here’s more:

“I got out and said, ‘Why are you doing this?’ She said, ‘I don’t know. I’m drunk,'” Patrick said.

Patrick said she dealt with it in the best way she knew how — by blocking in the thief’s car.

“She said, ‘Well, open up your car, and I’ll give you your packages,” Patrick said.

And the woman did.

Patrick called police, reported the incident and gave them her cellphone video of the incident.

“She just looked like a grandmother, and she was just so honest,” Patrick said. “I think that’s what makes this story so unique.”

I want to hang out with your family if that’s your version of a grandmother.

But “unique”? That’s the bland word you chose? Unique is a more purple sunset. You just watched an older woman, drunk off her rocker, attempt to steal your stuff in broad daylight on a Sunday. Then proceed to put it in your car even after you made it home.

Better question, where the hell did she go? Did she stumble off into the horizon like a shit-faced Confucius? Well, wherever she drunk-walked, I hope she’s satisfied knowing that honesty actually kept her from meeting Oklahoma’s finest.