Halloween is technically next week, but since it’s on a weekday, you can expect that all the fun Halloween blow-out parties will be this upcoming weekend. I will go on the record ad nauseam about it being the absolute greatest holiday, especially for parties. Not only do you get all the requisite candy and spooky decorations, but there’s something about being in public in a costume that helps everyone to drop their inhibitions and let loose more than normal.
But what if you’ve made it this far into October without a costume and need something cheap, easy, and last-minute? I’m an expert about procrastinating until the day before the party and cobbling together some weird thrift store clothes and making it work, so here is a list of 10 lazy and mostly performative Oklahoma Halloween costumes that are timely for 2019:
1. Medical Marijuana Patient
200,000 Oklahoman, nearly 7% of our state adult population, have a medical marijuana license. So there’s a good chance that you may already fall under this category, but if you’re still too straight-laced to actually partake, why not masquerade as a medicinal stoner? It’s not just for tie-dyed long-hairs anymore, so just wear your normal clothes, but make sure that whatever conversation you find yourself in, talk about how many milligrams of edibles you eat every day and your favorite sativa strain that’s named after a breakfast cereal. Bonus points if you’re ‘thinking about starting a grow operation with your parents.’
2. Sexy Sam Anderson
Oklahoma’s newest adopted son is Sam Anderson, author of a book called ‘Boom Town’ that everyone in OKC was legally mandated to read this year. His look is that of a normal, unassuming, bearded white writer guy, so why not spice it up with a sexy bikini? (Note: You will be required to know the entire history of statehood and who every downtown street was named after)
3. Pickup Chauffeur Couple
One benefit to being in a relationship is doing the joint costume. Why not dress up as OK’s newest and hottest ‘It Couple:’ the Pickup Chauffeur lovebirds. Just get some massive jeans, cut the sleeves off your shirt, and make a fake truck tailgate from a piece of cardboard and you’ll be the talk of the party!
4. Constitutional Carry Advocate
Now that you have the right to open carry in public, anyone can stroll around town with firearms, which is definitely not alarming for most people in an age of mass shootings. I do recommend that you use cheap-looking toy guns instead of real ones, and finish off the outfit with camo pants, wraparound sunglasses, a Go-Pro on a selfie stick, and one of those shirts with text generated by an algorithm that says something like, ‘YES I have a daughter, she was BORN IN APRIL, and if you put your hands on her I’ll LOST MY [email protected]#%ING TEMPER!”
5. Freed Nipple
Another new right that Oklahoma kinda-sorta-disputably gained this year was for women to go topless. In the ultimate culmination of the ‘Sexy (insert occupation)’ costume, just go topless. It’ll probably be chilly at night though, so prepare to have diamond-cutters poking out all night long.
6. Porch Pirate
With the advent of doorbell cameras, one of local news’ favorite clickbait stories is reporting every single single incident of a package being stolen from the porch of a house in a cul-de-sac in Moore. To pull off the costume, just walk around nervously with an Amazon box and act super sketchy all night.
7. Bearded Sam Presti
Over the Thunder’s off-season, Sam Presti grew a beard that magically makes him look 10 years older, but I guess that’s what trading your star players away for draft picks does to a GM. Half of the bearded and bespectacled guys I know can already pull this look off pretty easy if they wear a Thunder corporate polo shirt and spend the entire Halloween party meticulously organizing the cheese platter while rattling off advanced statistics for Mike Muscala.
8. Branded Plastic Cup
Show a tribute to one of the 500 plastic tumblers that are taking up space in your cabinet while representing your favorite local fast-casual restaurant. My friend Judie (co-host of the upcoming TLO podcast Free Queso) once pulled off a similar costume as a Braum’s milkshake by decorating a trash can to look like a take-out cup. Just paint a Saturn Grill logo on it and you’re good to go!
9. Gary England’s Twitter
The once beloved weather wizard of OK has retired, and since then turned into one of your old relatives on Facebook. Dress conservatively, and interrupt every conversation with proclamations about how climate change is a hoax, or how the Democrats are corrupting America. If someone disagrees with you, ‘block’ them by abruptly walking away and never talking to them again.
10. Amazon Fulfillment Center Employee
You’re too mentally and physically exhausted from working all week in a dystopian warehouse job, so just skip the party and stay home, fearing about getting fired the next day for not processing toothbrushes and cell phone chargers fast enough.