5 Trade Secrets China May Steal From OU

A few weeks back, news broke that the FBI visited OU back in June to talk the to the university about the possibility of China stealing trade secrets. It’s unclear as to what China could be targeting, but we have a few suspicions:

How to use parading animals as distractions

In defiance of PETA and logic, OU still has a horse-drawn wagon roll across the the field for one of the most obnoxious touchdown celebrations on record. Last weekend, karma finally bitch-slapped the wagon to make for the thing that everyone won’t shut up about. Used effectively, the Chinese can use animal-related injuries to distract its citizens and allow them to continue with their shady trade deals.


How to ditch shitty leadership

OU has had more leadership changes than a rundown Denny’s at 2 a.m. Whether it’s through retirement turned disgrace or for being a lightning rod for multiple controversies and bad decisions; over two years, the university has had 3 presidents and the students seem to be fine with it. China can learn how to adapt to drastic change in leadership, in case of emergencies.

How to sell resources for the finite and the desperate

Parking at OU is a legendary nightmare. That doesn’t stop parking services at the school for ticketing every person they can find or charging half your soul for one semester worth of parking. Trust me, it’s not worth it. You’d have better luck telling students not to be “woke” about the Pledge of Allegiance than finding a single parking spot. China can now monetize off of a limited supply of rations, goods and services by raising the price to a sacrilegious total.

D.I.Y Black Face Formulas 

The university has seen an uptick in bigoted bullshit, i.e. blackface. Even as recently as a month ago, blackface incidents have rallied people together in protest; especially when former president Gallogly decided to answer it with the never-failing, “Hey, our bad.” Students marched, they shouted, and gave their demands for equal justice against hate crimes. While OU has made little effort, China can utilize a mobile support team to work against bad trade deals.


How to sell moldy dorm rooms

Recently, reports came out that some OU buildings were the festering grounds for mold. Yay, college? Still, OU put these young idiots into a dorm and called it good. China can really save on costs in putting people into less-than-hospitable places to live.