I can feel it deep inside my bones. Not only is the colder weather making my joints ache like a man twice my age, but we’re also at the beginning of another NBA slog!
That’s right, today is the Oklahoma City Thunder’s first game of the 2019-20 season. A lot has changed over the summer, namely that the team has gone into rebuilding mode for the first time in the 11 seasons that they’ve been here. While most local sports fans have this creepy ‘WIN IT ALL OR ELSE YOU’RE A DISAPPOINTMENT’ attitude, I’m excited to have a year or three where we can all take a deep breath, watch some basketball, and just be happy if the team makes it to the playoffs (or tanks for a good draft pick).
Normally, we like to give you some bold predictions, but with this being a different kind of Thunder team, Patrick and I are giving you a forecast that is so absurdly bold that if any of this comes true, Sam Presti will be required to give me a front office job.
1. Rumble Gets Traded To Charlotte
This year, it seems like no player on the roster is safe. Paul George and Russell Westbrook were flipped to title contending teams in the West. There have been trade rumors about Chris Paul and Danilo Gallinari long before they even put on a Thunder jersey for the first time. Even franchise guys like Steven Adams have been put up on the trade block.
If Sam Presti can’t make any other meaningful moves, expect to see team mascot Rumble the Bison moved to a team that really needs a better mascot. Charlotte is desperate for a mascot upgrade in Hugo the Hornet, and they probably have some coveted third round draft picks to give up.
2. Epic Charter Schools becomes a presenting sponsor
With the potential of ticket sales dropping now that the Thunder have its worst looking squad in about a decade, there’s no doubt that the higher up brass will be looking for new sources of revenue. But who around here has extra money burning holes in their proverbial pockets?
Enter: Epic Charter Schools! They’ve been pumping millions of dollars into advertising lately, so it seems like they’ve got the dough to get their name onto the LED court-side scorer’s table. They can sponsor the half-court shot contest, teacher of the game and even enroll new students into the $800 club in the arena concourse.
3. Andre Roberson Pisses Off China
After Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey made a fairly innocuous tweet that read “Fight For Freedom. Stand With Hong Kong,” the entire NBA is in some kind of cold war with China. Everyone in the league is terrified to speak out, lest the NBA loses out on more of those sweet, sweet Yuan bucks.
Although he seems like a very quiet and introverted player, my money is on Andre Roberson being the first NBA player to just snap and go bananas in a press conference, screaming about Taiwan’s right to independence. The following day, his knee will ‘mysteriously’ become re-injured.
4. Love’s Patch Becomes Sentient Being
The first sign that the ever-growing Love’s patch has developed a human-like conscience is when is starts whispering words of encouragement to Steve Adams at the free throw line.
5. Chris Paul opts to receive half his salary in Charleston Gift Cards
Sure, he may claim to be a vegan now, but we know from his Hornets days that he still has a soft spot for the potato soup.
6. Thundor fakes mild heart attack to leave game early
I’m sure plenty of fans will use this excuse at some point this season.
7. Matt Pinto spends an entire radio broadcast reciting “Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner” just to see if anyone is listening.
8. Sam Presti Quits His Job To Become a Monk
It will happen after the fifth consecutive game when Chris Paul chews out rookie Darius Bazley for missing his defensive assignment. Presti will unceremoniously stand up from his seat in the arena, walk to his Volvo, drive to Will Rogers International, and catch the first flight to Myanmar. His new life as a Buddhist monk will bring him the peace and enlightenment he could never find in his former life of drafting MVP’s and watching them all leave.
9. Kyle Singler signs two-contract to be arena usher / concession employee
10. Kevin Durant Doesn’t Say Anything Insulting About OKC All Year
Hahahaha look these predictions are crazy, but not THAT crazy.
Do you have predictions? Let us know in the comments!