Happy Holidays, my friends! Though we are still a few hours away from Christmas Day, I had the pleasure of celebrating the holiday early during my visit to Western Oklahoma this past weekend. Throughout the years our families grow and make new traditions, but in rural Oklahoma some things never change. Here are 10 things you experience at every rural Oklahoma Christmas!
At least one dish at Christmas dinner was personally killed by an uncle
Rifle season may only last a couple of weeks in November, but that goddang doe is somehow going to be feeding the extended family until January.
You go to church
Whether or not you’re religious, you have to keep up appearances and go to church. Sitting through 60-90 minutes of Christmas mass is a whole lot less painful than your family members making passive aggressive comments about your salvation for the rest of your visit.
You attend a high school reunion
Otherwise known as making a reluctant trip to Walmart with your mom.
Someone asks why you haven’t had unprotected sex lately
It’s not family Christmas until some great-aunt or second cousin asks you weirdly personal questions about baby-making. If you don’t have any children, they ask you what you’re waiting for. If you do have children, they ask you when you’re going to have the next one. If you don’t feel comfortable disclosing to your grandmother a time frame for engaging in unprotected sex, you’re shit outta luck.
A teenage cousin gets engaged
There’s something about Christmas time that makes rural 17 to 19-year-olds think they’re ready to propose to their steady girlfriends. Sometimes it’s true love. Sometimes it’s premarital sex guilt. Either way, the wedding will probably have a camo theme.
The Dirty Santa gifts are primarily alcohol
Because the #1 past time of rural Oklahomans is getting a little too Honky Tonk, Dirty Santa gifts at family Christmas are generally alcoholic in nature. FACT. When my family played Dirty Santa this past weekend, there were 11 adult gifts. Six gifts were bottles of whiskey, 1 gift was a box of wine, and 2 gifts were things used to store alcohol. The last two gifts were a Trump 2020 flag and a box of .22 shells. Which brings me to my next two points…
The weirdest shit gets political
Somehow asking where to find the solo cups for punch devolves into a conversation against between you and 6 other relatives about how Starbucks’ new cup is ruining Christmas and Bernie Sanders wants to make us all freeloaders.
There will be firearms
Not bringing a firearm to show off at a rural Oklahoma Christmas makes you vulnerable, not because anyone is going to shoot you for being the only person in your family without a handgun. But because everyone is going to make fun of you.
You actually start wishing you had a truck
This is less about fitting in with the rest of the family and more about making it down County Road 1970 to your sister’s house on Christmas morning without having to file an insurance claim or asking your sister to pull your Impreza out of a ditch with her F250.
You wish Christmas happened more often
Whether it’s nostalgia, the Dirty Santa whiskey, or the joy and love shared, you’re going to wish that Christmas with your rural Oklahoma family happened more than once a year.
Hayley got a bottle of Pendleton Whiskey for Dirty Santa this year. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek