Oklahoma methhead kidnaps sleeping man and goat outside Missouri adult video store

Watch out, Florida Man. Oklahoma Man is going to give you a run for your money in 2020.

Brandon Kirby, the Oklahoma man pictured in the mugshot above, celebrated the New Year in the most methhead way possible – by smoking meth and stealing a truck outside an adult video store in Missouri that had a man, and goat, sleeping inside.

Here are details vis KansasCity.com:

A man was arrested in Oklahoma after carjacking a truck from outside an adult store in Missouri — with a man and his pet goat inside, police say.

Two men stopped at an adult video store in Carthage early Wednesday, police said, according to KOTV. The driver of the pickup truck went inside the store while the passenger — and his pet goat — remained in the truck, ultimately falling asleep, the outlet reported.

That’s when police say Brandon Kirby, 40, jumped into the truck and took off, allegedly taking meth as he drove the passenger through parts of Kansas, Missouri and Oklahoma, occasionally pistol-whipping him, KTUL reported.

My first question is, Who still goes to roadside adult video stores? My second question is, who goes to roadside adult video stores while their friend sleeps in the truck?!

“Hey! You asleep back there?! I was going to pull off up yonder and get some late 90s BDSM VHS tapes.”

For what it’s worth, I think the answer to both those questions are, “Men Who Own Goats.” Seriously, someone send PETA, Free to Live and Hefner Goats’ guard donkey to free that goat immediately. I bet the poor little guy thought that carjacking was a rescue attempt.

Here’s more:

The victim told police Kirby eventually let him and the goat go, dropping them off on the side of the road in Sand Springs, Oklahoma, KOKI reported. He called 911 then reported the truck missing to OnStar, according to the outlet.

OnStar representatives were able to slow the car’s speed to 15 mph, KOKI reported.

That’s insane. Imagine falling asleep in a truck with a goat while your friend buys hardcore fetish DVDs from an adult video store in Missouri, waking up to a dude hitting you in the head with a pistol, and then being taken on a joyride through the northeastern Oklahoma-Kansas-Missouri triangle before being dropped off on the side of the road in Sand Springs. I bet that will be the plot to Tracy Letts’ next writing project.

Anyway, I combed through the full article to find more information about the real victim in all this – the goat. Unfortunately, KansasCity.com didn’t have an update. Please keep him (or her) in your thoughts and prayers.