I have good news and bad news, my fellow Oklahomans.
The bad news is, according to News 9 the Bricktown Canal is being drained for maintenance over the next 3-4 weeks, which means we’ll have to wait a month before we can once again enjoy sights, sounds, and smells of the oozy, blue-green liquid that carries canal taxis filled with tourists and families with small, sticky children.
The good news is, there’s probably going to be a lot of exciting things found since they drained it! In fact, Patrick and I put together a list of 10 things they’ll probably discover at the bottom of the Bricktown Canal…
427 deflated bachelorette party inflatable penises
Whether it’s a case of careless, drunken littering or a bad omen, somehow bachelorettes in Bricktown have a difficult time keeping track of their novelty penises after the 4th or 5th margarita.
Steve Lackmeyer Scuba Diving
Fun fact – Did you know Steve Lackmeyer leads scuba diving expeditions of the Bricktown Canal every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10:00am? For tickets or more information, hit up Steve in his Friday morning Oklahoman chat.
Some kid’s “dead” goldfish
Every time they clean the canal, they have to relocate a cubic shit-ton of fish to the river. Where do you think they come from? The answer is birds… and kids who are freeing goldfish.
Shipwreck remains from the Great Bricktown Water Taxi Battle of 2014
Oklahoma City has had its share of gang wars, but nothing can quite matches the 2016 Bricktown Canal naval battle that pitted an ACM-manned armada of water taxis under the command of Scott Booker against a mutinied fleet of vessels commandeered by Rowdy the Redhawk and the Bricktown Hot Dog Stand. Sadly, Rowdy, two sound engineering students and one acoustic guitarist did not survive.
Secret Entrance to City Walk’s Long-Lost 8th Club
Unknown to most connoisseurs of cosmos and Axe body spray, City Walk had a mysterious 8th Club that was only accessible via an underwater entrance from the canal. Admission was free if you brought molly.
One of those stupid scooters
You’d have to be highly skilled at navigating one of those electric scooters for it to somehow land in the middle of the canal. Or poorly skilled… Either way, that’s probably $1,500 someone didn’t get back.
An empty “Fuzzy’s Fishbowl Margarita” fishbowl
Imagine being some kid’s discarded goldfish, freely swimming through the mile-long stretch of the Bricktown Canal after years of captivity, and spotting a discarded “Fuzzy’s Fishbowl Margarita” fishbowl laying on its side on the bottom of the river. There’s got to be a metaphor for life somewhere in there, man.
David Holt’s Microphone
He accidentally dropped it in the canal when heading home from the Kings of Leon concert. In fact, finding that mic is the only reason we’re actually draining the canal.
A dozen empty Toby Keith’s “I Love this Bar and Grill” gift cards
What’s worse than finding a handful of empty gift cards from Toby Keith’s “I love this Bar and Grill” is knowing at least a dozen people found the joint rad enough to buy someone they loved a gift card to spend there.
Bricktown Rob’s favorite pair of Oakley sunglasses
The canal won’t be cleaned up and filled for at least 3 weeks, which means The Lost Ogle Show’s Bricktown Rob will not have “bathed” for at least 3 weeks. It also means he’ll finally find his favorite old pair of Oakley sunglasses.
Hayley went on a canal ride once in elementary school. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek