TLO Guide to the Oklahoma Presidential Primary

Next Tuesday, Oklahoma Democrats who think they have an actual say in presidential politics will flock to the polls to cast their vote for their favorite Democratic nominee for president. As a service to those idealistic voters, we thought we’d take a closer look at each candidates:

Joe Biden

-Who They Are: A 77 year-old former Vice President who is riding the coattails of the Very Popular President that he served two terms with. Previously, Biden served in the Senate since 1973. This is important to note, because most of the accomplishments he is touting on his campaign are things that happened 30 years ago, such as expanding the death penalty.

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Will Rogers, it’s age-appropriate, and Biden seems like the kind of guy who loves to spout out corny old aphorisms at cocktail parties

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: Top sirloin steak from Cattleman’s, cooked well-done

-Who’s Supporting Them: The Democrats you’ll find hanging out at the Maps 3 Senior Centers

-Most Important Policy: Whatever weird and senile rant he went on about his hairy legs at a public pool from the 1950’s

Michael Bloomberg

-Who They Are: A former mayor of NYC who is currently worth about $62 billion, which is more than the GDP’s of eight different US states. He entered the race late, so is trying to catch up elucidating his right-of-center Establishment Democrat policies, and as far as I can tell, is basically running because he thinks the only way to beat one rich guy is to bring in an even richer guy.

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Linda Soundtrack, they’re the same height and he admires her ‘entrepreneurial spirit’

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: Medium-well Japanese A5 Wagyu steak at Vast, topped with precious roe from a nearly-extinct species

-Who’s Supporting Them: Quail Creek Golf and Country Club members who own businesses but balk at the idea of providing healthcare to their minimum wage employees

-Most Important Policy: Painting himself to be a poor victim of prejudice against America’s most marginalized group, the Billionaire White Guys,

Pete Buttigieg

-Who They Are: A two-time mayor from the fourth-largest city in Indiana. Pete attended Harvard and Oxford, which is the sign of a Very Good Boy. I mean, just look at how nice his teeth are! Anyways, Buttigieg’s campaign has been consistent and unwavering thus far, at least in his consistent impression of CGI Obama. Of all the centrist Democrats in the race, he’s the most smiley, thumbs-up, ‘Gee golly, we all just gotta work together so we can make America the way it was in 2012 again, when everyone was happy.’

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Garth Brooks, the best-selling solo artist of all-time, because he really ‘unites the people’

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: Chicken Caesar salad from Saturn Grill, no dressing

-Who’s Supporting Them: Northside OKC residents who identify as ‘passionate liberals’ but have never voted for city council

-Most Important Policy: Pete wants to provide free healthcare to everybody who wants it… which seems like it should be everybody except for the mythological people who ‘LOVE their insurance’

Amy Klobuchar

-Who They Are: Senator and former county attorney. She’s served on dozens of committees in her time in Congress, which sounds pretty ambitious considering the only club I’ve been in was 7th grade Academic Team and I quit after one semester. Like most of the candidates running, she supports expanded Medicaid or ACA, but not Medicare For All, and has a similar stance on affordable higher education.

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Pioneer Woman. I bet she owns all of Ree’s cookbooks.

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: A baked potato from Charleston’s

-Who’s Supporting Them: ‘Let Me Speak To Your Manager’ people who live in Moore

-Most Important Policy: She throws staplers at her staff members, which is very presidential behavior during our current era, and continuity is important.

Bernie Sanders

-Who They Are: A formerly Independent, currently Democrat Senator for Vermont. Easily the most radical mainstream candidate the party has seen in decades, Bernie’s socialist leanings are gaining traction with a population that has desperately wanted things like free healthcare and college loan debt forgiveness, but were too afraid to ask. Whether he can accomplish his ambitions is a whole different question.

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Woody Guthrie, it wouldn’t surprise me if Bernie had a ‘This Machine Kills Fascists’ tattoo on his lower back

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: Lobster roll from The Drake with extra mayo

-Who’s Supporting Them: Paseo hippies who are on Twitter too much

-Most Important Policy: Taxing the living hell out of billionaires so the rest of us can afford to go to the doctor

Elizabeth Warren

-Who They Are: An Oklahoma native who carpetbagged her way to be a Massachusetts Senator, she’s probably the biggest policy wonk of the current field of candidates. She generally has the sharpest and most thought-out answers to questions, and is probably the type of person that has a drawer full of organized highlighters to use with her set of ten personal organizers. Although she’s not quite as far left as Bernie, she’s still the second most progressive candidate.

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: SE Hinton, she would have been like 18 when ‘The Outsiders’ came out

-Favorite Oklahoma Food: Braum’s crinkle-cut French fries

-Who’s Supporting Them: Norman townies

-Most Important Policy: Making everyone forget that she claimed to be Native American for most of her life

Andrew Yang

-Who They Are: Although he never has held any political office, Yang is… Oh wait, Yang dropped out of the race? Who is still running? I thought every registered American voter was up for the presidency this year? I don’t know what’s even happening anymore..

-Favorite Oklahoma Celebrity: Is Tom Steyer still in the race? Who even is that? His banner ad came up on Google when I searched for Yang

-Favorite Oklahoma Food:  Are there any other candidates on the ballot that I missed, and more importantly will anyone notice their absence?

-Who’s Supporting Them: People who won’t take the sticker of their defunct candidate from the bumper of their Toyota, and will attempt a write-in

-Most Important Policy: Seriously, who is Tom Steyer?

Anyways, the March primary is coming up very soon, and there’s gonna be a bunch of names on the ballot, so make sure to cast your mark for someone who will make a difference in this country, and don’t forget about looking into the other down-ballot elections that we’ll be covering later this year!