As we draw closer to the presidential primary election taking place in Oklahoma on Tuesday, candidates are sending me 25 texts per day working harder and harder to secure enough votes to make sure they are their party’s candidate. While Trump will be the default candidate for the truth-no-longer-matters Republican ticket, the race is on to see who will become the Democratic nominee for the 2020 presidential race. Last week, actress Ashley Judd made a visit to Oklahoma to rally voters to pledge their support to Elizabeth Warren.
Now I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the idea of some hoity toity, Hollywood outsider coming to town to tell us common folk how to vote. I think we should instead look to our esteemed leaders-the Oklahoma politicians we ourselves voted into office- to guide us in the election process. Now I know most of our local politicians are Trump asskissers loyalists who publicly support him as president. But I firmly believe that actions speak louder than words. So here’s a list of who some of our politicians should probably vote for, based on their own ideologies, actions, and policies.
Markwayne Mullin for Tulsi Gabbard
Part-time atrocity denier and full-time embarrassment Representative Markwayne Mullin is known for his mixed martial arts fighting career as much as he’s known for his inability to do anything productive in congress. Though Marky Markwayne appears to have the taste of Trump’s ass on his lips at all times, his policy (in life) seems to mostly match that of candidate Tulsi Gabbard. He’d probably be interested in Gabbard for their shared ability to hold their own in an MMA fight and tendencies to want to rub elbows with some god-awful world leaders while downplaying serious acts of state-backed brutality.
Nathan Dahm for Bernie Sanders
State Senator Nathan Dahm recently filed a bill that would make 2020 “the year of the bible” in Oklahoma. Well if Dahm really does want to mandate that we all follow the bible’s teachings, he should probably cast his vote for Bernie Sanders. I am sure he’d have no problem throwing his support behind a candidate with a history of standing up for those society has wronged and whose policies prioritize tending to the sick. You know, like Jesus.
Kevin Stitt for Elizabeth Warren
Look, I don’t think Governor Kevin Stitt and Elizabeth Warren really see eye-to-eye when it comes to legislation or policy. But he probably doesn’t want to be remembered as the most senior-serving Oklahoma politician to have their disrespectful pandering backfire like it did.
Hell, at least 5 or 6 Oklahoma lawmakers for Biden
So many lawmakers in this state have been accused of sexual assault of some kind that we, out of the kindness of our hearts, made a guide to help them to not become sex offenders. Being that Grandpa Joe Biden is also known for blurring boundaries and serving as a reminder to women to check the expiration date on their keychain pepper spray, I’m sure we have at least 5 or 6 lawmakers who are secretly supporting Biden.
Jim Inhofe for Bob Dole
Senator Jim Inhofe, a man who has served in public office of some sort since before any of the TLO contributors were born, is known for his senile “scientific” rebuttals to global warming and standing up for the rights of cheeseburger enthusiasts. He also knows Americans need a good, strong, conservative leader for our nation. Which is why he plans to cast his vote for Bob Dole.
Hayley is still torn between two candidates. One of them is not Bob Dole, but the other one might be. Follow her on twitter @squirrellygeek