Even though we are currently in a time of intense political strife, sometimes it’s good to take a deep breath and remember how far we’ve come. I got my first tattoo in Texas because it was illegal here. Then I turned 21 and would have to go to the liquor store for regular-strength beer and toss it in the freezer to get it to temp, and then forget about it and spend the next morning cleaning beer slush out of the freezer. In between all of that, I was putting fivers down on quarter-ounces of brick weed that smelled like the gas tank it was smuggled in. Now, all of those things are quaint memories of a time long, long ago.
Something else that may soon become a quaint memory is not being able to buy liquor legally from an Oklahoma liquor store on a Sunday. On this Super Tuesday ballot, citizens of seven different counties in Oklahoma will have their say in making it legal for liquor stores to be open on Sunday. For most normal, non-religious folks, this seems like an obvious decision, but there are actually some reasons to vote no.
Here are five of them:
You Work In The Bar/Restaurant Industry
Any day of the week, there are boozehounds who need a fix, especially on Sunday Fundays. With patio season already here, this is the prime time to be making money off backwards hat-wearing bros and party girls. They want to play cornhole, pound tequila, and bring their unsocialized dogs out to the bar and get liquored up before returning to the depressing grind of another workweek. If those people could just buy their own Patron and bump chests in the privacy of their own backyards, why bother going out on a Sunday? Bars need Sunday delinquents to stay afloat.
Falls Creek Isn’t Conservative Enough For You
The whole reason why we ended up with these whackadoo booze laws in the first place is because of fanatical Baptists and the like. Even though Jesus loved wine so much that he would use his magical abilities to conjure it, the idea of catching a buzz on certain segments of the calendar is absolutely immoral, and an affront to god (who I hope would actually be a really fun guy to have a brunch mimosa with). If you ever went to Falls Creek and never did hand stuff with another camper in the woods, you probably don’t want people buying pints of Fireball on a Sunday.
Bryan Kerr Is Your Mortal Enemy
If you don’t remember, Bryan Kerr is the president of the Retail Liquor Association of Oklahoma. His marquee at his Moore Liquor has been entertaining drivers for years, excluding the time he made a joke involving the N-word, and then quarter-ass apologize about it. Kerr has been trying to lead the charge for much of the modern liquor laws, except when they help any business but his. He fought against 792, so if you own a grocery store, mini-mart, or anyone else who has benefited from the law change, this ballot initiative is a hard ‘No.’
Procrastinators Make You Angry
Anyone except for the recently-booze-legal residents in Oklahoma have been ingrained with the knowledge that you have to go to the liquor store by Saturday night, or else you’re screwed for Sunday. If you wanted a bottle of wine, a tasty craft or import beer, or a bottle of scotch to pair with your Sunday dinner and HBO shows, you had to plan in advance. With this change, any schmuck can just waltz into the neighborhood Liquor Mart and walk out the hooch of their choosing. If you’re the kind of person that makes an Excel spreadsheet to detail your weekend plans, the spontaneity that this bill imposes must make your blood curdle.
You Own A Liquor Store And Want An Excuse To Take The Day Off
Here is the Dionysian dilemma with most small business: You need to be working 24/7 to make as much money as possible, but you also want to have a normal life and time for yourself. With liquor stores being closed on Sundays, they’re currently watching revenue drain while shoppers get their wine from the grocery store. But at the same time, having an imposed day off must be kind of nice. You don’t gotta be there going through invoices and stressing out about upset customers and all that. Then again, they own the damn business and don’t have to open if they want.
Anyway, tell us why you are voting ‘NO’ on this absurd ballot initiative. Me personally, I’ll be voting ‘yes’ because I’m not a Mormon and I would also like the option of buying whiskey from a place that isn’t a bar on a Sunday.