Sweet Lady Americana: The Passion of Mathis Brothers’ Thirty Four Bistro

As a self-proclaimed Latin lover, I thoroughly believe in romantic gestures like treating your special ladyfriend to the finer things in this life, like brand-name furniture, bottom-shelf steak and, in the case of Mathis Brothers’ Thirty Four Bistro, both.

I had heard rumblings about a snack bar tucked away in the famed sibling-based furniture store, but, little did I know that located in their wholly upscale Design Center, rested this French-style—I’m presuming it’s French-style, at least—bistro that, while at first glance might look like an employee break-room, was in reality a high-class eatery.

Under the smooth guise of treating her to a new Lady Americana divan or a Broyhill breakfast nook—if those things do exist—upon entering Mathis Brothers, you would think with a fully-operational kitchen inside that you’d at least smell the used grease from the fryer, but, instead, the scent in the air was a mildly woven ox-musk, probably from the hanging rugs that we walked by on our way to said bistro.

The somewhat darkened restaurant was filled with tables and chairs, all with affordable price-tags clinging to them. As my special ladyfriend and I perused the menu that hung effortlessly on the wall, I firmly placed my hand in hers and told her this was “her night” so she could order anything on the menu she wanted…anything.

Thankfully, she ordered the starry-eyed Mathis Special ($6.00) with a Side Salad ($2.00), obviously impressed by my station in life. Overtaken with the surrounding ambiance, I treated myself to the masculine Sirloin ($12.00) with Sweet Potato Fries ($2.00) and, as a surprise treat, a lover’s single serving of Cheesecake ($6.00).

As we filled our fountain drinks ($2.30) with Diet Coke for her and unsweetened ice tea for me, I gently kissed my special ladyfriend’s hand, wrist and arm in succession, the exotic smell of her possibly pricey moisturizing lotion filling my needy nostrils with a mixture of love and lust, one that had to last me the half-hour we waited for our maudlin morsels.

Fox News played on the multiple flat-screen televisions above us; sadly the only patrons that ever seemed to visit this bistro were various employees refilling their cups with more soda. A small klatch of sofa salespeople gathered near the refrigerator, laughing at what I assume are the foibles and fables of various dumb customers that evening.

I looked into my special ladyfriend’s supple brown (?) eyes, softly spouting lines of amor puro when our trays of food were brought out to us, the need for ketchup questioned and woefully rejected. The Mathis Special was a loose wrap, one filled with turkey, Swiss, lettuce, tomato and mayo, with the tortilla’s bottom soggier than expected. Even then, it was a decent enough burrito for most hungry non-Latinos.

My date also seemed to enjoy the good-sized side salad, composed of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers and so much shredded cheese, eschewing the cup of ranch dressing; I teased her, suggesting using it for a sexy rendezvous later. She cooed closer to me, seductively feeding me one of my sweet potato fries, my mouth already full with about five or six of them.

Taking a bite of my steak, its rough-hewn leather-quality seemed more apropos for a barcalounger than a sirloin, necessitating me to ask the kitchen staff for the ketchup they originally offered. Spanking the sauce rather harshly, a deluge of the fancy tomato paste flew across my plate and onto her shirt; I took a sliver of meat and rubbed it on the red spot, my carne carnality on full display.

Taking the encased cheesecake to go, we walked around the various cells that Mathis Bros. had been broken up in. Agreeing on an Ashley four-piece traditional bedroom set in dark brown to take home and possibly test out that evening, when they ran my application for financing, my special ladyfriend learned the one thing that a self-proclaimed Latin lover doesn’t have: good credit.


 Follow Louis on Twitter at @LouisFowler and Instagram at @louisfowler78.

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17 Responses

  1. This is the perfect title for this article. You’ve done it.

  2. This is solid gold! Maybe your best one yet.

  3. For a moment I thought I was reading the press release of a new restaurant at the “World” Airport. Even the entryway and name screamed okc airport dining.

    I was brought back to reality when I saw the chairs, like everything else in Mathis Brothers was for sale. You captured the essence of the company-store mentality that is Oklahoma.

    1. I agree the chairs through up Big Red Flags,,,,

  4. Fox News?

    I guess it’s the only station not talking about the coronavirus. And there are no NBA games to watch as an alternative.

    It’s a great time to buy furniture! Prices are being slashed as everyone prepares for the virapocalypse. Just withdraw some money from your 201(k) if your credit isn’t all it could be. (You DO have a 201(k), don’t you?)

    Great article, Louis. I was looking for someplace nice to take my sweetie for St. Paddy’s Day. This sounds perfect – and romantic!

    1. Corona is all they’re talking about on Fox right now, actually. Enjoy your date!

  5. So was that steak tender? It LOOKED good.

  6. Best review-ever!

  7. I’m surprised you weren’t accosted by a dozen overly aggressive sales people on the way through the store. That, as well as Fox “news”, will prevent me from ever going there.

  8. new pet department that rit manages, but they only stock gerbils! go figure!!

  9. Who the fuck goes to a furniture store to eat?

    That’s like going to Taco Bell to buy a sofa.

  10. Their creamed gerbil with white wine sauce is divine.

  11. I”ll take the naugiehide sandwich

  12. Regarding the gerbil business—that is a popular and infamous urban legend, ascribed to many famous individuals and otherwise “tall poppies”. It’s rooted in homophobia and otherwise “gay-bashing”.

    I’m sure most readers of this blog, not to mention the staff thereon, condemn the hatred and fear of those who do not confine themselves to traditional gender roles. Perpetuating this junior-high bit of scatophilia is useless at best.

    While I’m annoyed by the “shopper-stalkers” at Mathis Brothers like many others, I’m glad for the Mathis family’s success. Now, if we could get OAN on a couple of those TVs….

  13. Damn I enjoy your writing. Thank you.

  14. Having recently had a real bad experience with those people whose name will not be spoken, I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on their couches if they were on fire.

  15. Dunno about that steak, but that article was well done!

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