Earlier this week, I received a very concerning text message from Patrick. Usually, those are along the lines of, “Why is the opening of your story 1,000 words? You buried the lede!'”or “That’s a funny idea but Hayley is already writing about that.” Those sentiments can be stressful, but this was something far more anxiety-inducing.
This text simply read: “Your favorite tree is blooming again.”
It instantly transported me into my own private Black Lodge from Twin Peaks, and I was hit with a blinding flash of revulsion. But this wasn’t a riddle to be solved, it was a reminder that spring has fuckin sprung, allergy season is back, and with it comes the accursed Bradford pear trees.
Surely, I am not alone in my hatred for these vile organisms and the awful scents they produce. But, it could be worse… Here are 7 things that are more awful smelling than Bradford pears:
Old Braum’s Fries Rotting In Your Car
We’ve all been there. You go through the Braum’s drive-through, order your regular, they screw it all up, and you’re chomping down soggy fries on the way home. Some of them slip from your greasy fingers and fall between your seat and the center console, and the next day you get inside the car after the fries have been baking in the sun. The interior smells like a stale grease fart, and it’ll smell like that forever now or until you take it into Red Carpet for a detail.
Super Cao Nguyen fish counter trash can
This isn’t a knock on Super Cao’s fish selection. They have some of the best stuff in the city. But is a knock on any fish counter trash can, which smells a lot like a Bradford Pear tree, only slightly worse.
Jim Inhofe’s Deep Freezer
We all remember the time when our favorite Top Gun senator showed up to work with a snowball to try and prove some kind of point about climate change. Even though he pulled the stunt in February, which is a reasonable time for snow to be around, something tells me he’s hanging on to a few more just in case he feels the need to present himself as an anti-science jackass again. But that begs the question of what else is in his garage deep freezer. Anyone that old always has some ancient relics from 30 years ago slowly decaying in the back of their freezer, and those Jell-O Pudding Pops ain’t edible anymore.
The Edmond Purina Factory
Years ago, comedian Marc Maron came to OKC, and he talked about the experience on his podcast ‘WTF.’ Aside from the BBQ, the only thing he could ramble about was how he drove past the Purina factory and smelled dog food being cooked, and how that was something he’d never even thought about before. They gotta take all that horse meat and grind it up and bake it, and that’s what south Edmond smells like, and it’s awful.
Oklahoma River Soup
A favorite amongst rowers and triathletes, this delicious mix of algae, chemicals and human waste is great for colonoscopy prep, or if you’re looking to lose a quick five pounds.
Wayne Coyne’s Old Gray Suit
Remember when Wayne was a lovable local cartoon character who wore the same outfit every day? He had that trademark suit (or I guess two of them, one white and one grey), and it was always so wrinkled and ever-present that there was no doubt he slept in it too. This isn’t to shame him, I wash my jeans like once a year, so I get it. But I’m assuming he’s still got that suit crumpled up in a trash bag in his closet and it’s never been dry cleaned and it reeks of patchouli and ten years of body odor.
The Damon Lane Air Freshener
We never got to the bottom of what these things actually smell like, but I’m leaning heavily towards the week-old atheleisure clothes. It’s a mystery that I would prefer to never be solved.