We’re reaching a new stage of quarantine ennui, one that can perhaps be very dangerous for people concerned with personal grooming. That’s right, it’s ‘Well I might as well cut my own hair’ time. You’re probably getting really shaggy, and it’s likely that we’ll continue to be locked down even longer than expected, so why not play barber?
And if you’re gonna just totally botch the haircut and look like a deranged person, why not lean all the way in and give yourself a mullet? You’re not going to see anybody at all for at least a month, so just go balls out and give yourself an insane hairdo. Last weekend, I had my old barber who lives in Brooklyn now video chat with me and walk my partner through the process of getting my own mullet, and I gotta say, I feel like Kurt Russell now and I could beat anyone’s ass.
Join me in the Coronatine Mullet Gang, and pick one of these classic Oklahoma mullets to model your own after:
The Tiger King
Even though Tigermania 2020 is winding down, you can still be like Oklahoma’s greatest recent export by giving a nod to TLO favorite, Joe Exotic. It’s a simple bowl cut on the top with bangs and a box of the cheapest hair bleach from Sally’s Beauty, and then you too can summon the power of the cat man.
Maybe you’ve got more refined tastes and want to still have a clean and professional appearance. A good model for you would be Norman’s own Vince Gill. Yeah, he’s got a little party in the back still, but he’s strictly business and able to do it in a very handsome way.
Specially designed for the Covidiot in every family, the Gullet is a nice route to take if you want people to focus on your eccentric behavior, press conference rants and backwards thoughts rather than your football record against rivals.
Don’t worry ladies, you’re not getting left out for hot Oklahoma mulletspiration. Reba is rocking perhaps the most incredible cut on this list, just look at that gloriously permed red hair draping her shoulders. We can also assume that Christina Fallin has worn a hipster mullet to at least one Oklahoma Fashion Week, but why bother when you can look like this?
Chuck Norris is known for two things: kicking the shit out of bad guys, and having an iconic haircut. Well, and also maybe his extreme conservative views, but what would you expect from a guy who can roundhouse kick while wearing Wranglers? If you want to walk into the grocery store and give out the vibe of ‘Come within 6 feet of me and I will scissor punch you in the kidneys,’ there is no better mullet for you.
Back when we could do things like go to parties, where you the type who liked to stand in the kitchen, nursing a glass of cabernet sauvignon, and talk about NPR? If so, DON’T BOTHER, WIMP! The Wildman is for true party monsters like The Boz who are doing kegstands and pumping their fists to Def Leppard in the backyard with their shirts off. This haircut is much more advanced, but if you pull it off, you’ll be the party hero responsible for getting the cops called.
There’s a lot of pain and sadness and death in the world right now, including the recent loss of one of Oklahoma’s greatest country artists ever, Joe Diffie. Pay tribute to the man who has aided millions of banger karaoke sessions across the world by shaving off your quarantine beard to a mustache, thin your hair out a little, tease it with some mousse, and be like the man himself.