7 ways to go hog wild with your $1200 stimulus check

This last weekend, the feds finally started to send out the stimulus checks. With a one-time drop of $1200, we’re all gonna be rich, RICH I TELL YOU! It’s enough to pay your rent and all your bills and groceries and liquor store deliveries for (does the math)… uhhhhhh, well, don’t think too hard about it.

Stiff your landlord, tell the utility companies to go to hell, and dumpster dive for food, cuz getting a free grand in the bank is sweet. Take that money and treat yourself and go crazy with it.

If you don’t have any ideas how to spend it, here’s some suggestions:

Chesapeake Stocks

As of writing this, the current price for a chuck of Chesapeake shares is 16 cents. I don’t understand the stock market, but it seems like $1200 will be able to basically allow you to buy the entire company. You’ll be the chairman of the board, have some zany Carrot Top adventures, and then push for more layoffs in the third quarter.

240 Anthem Crowlers

Even if you’re working from home, there’s nothing else to really do other than drink and watch Netflix. Stock up with your favorite local brewery, perhaps our buddies at Anthem. A crowler is a giant, 32 ounce can of beer, which translates to 540 six packs of beer, which should last you until the next week or so.

A T-Shirt Gun

We’ve gotta social distance right now, but it’s also fun to make care packages for your friends. You won’t even need to get out of your car if you’ve got a badass t-shirt gun, and they can be cheaper than you’d think! The custom OKC Thunder Balon blaster is gonna set you back more, but you can get one of these bad boys and still have leftover money to get some custom printed shirts to fire through the windows of your friends (or enemies!).

Ball Out At Braum’s

The time to embrace your inner fat kid has arrived. There is no one to judge you. Eat all the trash you want and call it ‘self-care.’ Get the most groteque possible Braum’s feast with like a hundred milks shakes and all the chicken strip dinners. Or better yet, use it to cater a meal for hospital workers and hook up a bunch of nurses with bags of burgers.

OKC Blue Season Tickets

At this point who the hell knows when sports will ever return, but we’re all so desperate that by this point, even G-League basketball has me salivating. We watched Chris Paul play HORSE on ESPN the other night, so any basketball is good basketball. $1200 should get you a pair of sweet seats for a whole season of Blue games.

Lifetime Supply of Spray Tan

By the next time you go outside, it’s gonna be like July, and you’ll be pasty as Elmer’s glue. You can’t be the one out at Lake Eufaula looking like a ghost. If I were Aaron Tuttle, I’d be launching my own line of spray tan, cuz that stuff is gonna be selling like hotcakes this summer.

Bail Out OKC Riversport

The MAPS Riversport project has been a big flop, especially since the passing of its main benefactor Aubrey McClendon. Help the city out and pitch in so a few dozen people can kayak in the grimy river later this year.