10 Best Places to Catch Coronavirus at Penn Square Mall

As I’m sure you’ve heard, the OKC shopping mecca Penn Square Mall will open tomorrow as part of Kevin Stitt’s hasty plan to re-open the state. Here are details via KOCO:

Penn Square Mall in Oklahoma City will reopen on Friday, May 1, with restrictions in place, its owner Simon Property Group announced Tuesday on its website.

The mall had been closed since mid-March due to coronavirus concerns.

Simon announced they expect to open 49 properties May 1 through May 4 nationwide, based on current state and/or local stay-at-home or closure orders, which are subject to change.

Gov. Kevin Stitt previously announced that Oklahoma is ready to safely proceed with phase one of the state’s reopening plans on Friday, May 1.

That’s good news. If you’re going to catch or pass a virus that’s still infecting, hospitalizing and killing Oklahomans, I can’t think of a better place than Penn Square Mall. Hell, maybe while you’re there you’ll also get shot in the food court, or robbed in the parking garage.

Either way, here are the 10 Best Places to Catch Coronavirus at Penn Square Mall.

Spencer’s Gifts

This place should’ve been allowed to remain open in the first place as an essential business. Where else would one find a blacklight Metallica poster, novelty Rastafarian hat, or a plastic toy bank where you put the coin into some guy’s butthole?

Lady Footlocker

Lots of people are using this time to get into shape and run and walk more. I don’t know who those psychopaths are, this is nap season. If you need a new pair of Nikes, or are a dude who is into fondling women’s shoes (no kink shaming), this is the place to be.

Men’s Warehouse

Patrick has a suit that he bought the day before Oklahoma Contemporary had to cancel their grand opening gala, so he will be there Friday making a return.

Abercrombie & Fitch

You ignored all the warnings and decided, ‘Fuck it, me and Brad are still going to down to Cabo for spring break to party!’ Maybe you caught it but never showed any symptoms, so it’s totally chill to go buy a new muscle T and some cologne.

Jerky.Com

Their name is literally a web address and you could just order online, but you gotta shop in person to really get a good look at the jerky to pick out what you want.

Red Door Escape Room

Maybe they’ll go with a Coronavoris themed room when they re-open.

Auntie Anne’s

Instead of being like everyone else and learning how to bake for yourself and then posting pictures of your sourdough on Instagram, you binged tv instead. Fulfill those carb cravings with a tasty cinnamon sugar pretzel.

Hot Topic

Face it, nothing is more goth than dying. Get a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and a disease with no vaccination or cure, it’s one stop shopping.

Victoria’s Secret

There’s always a sale going on, and even though you haven’t worn a bra in over a month, might as well rifle through the 30% off bin that everyone else has also been sticking their grubby hands into.

Panda Express

If you made a plan to eat here, you already planned on getting sick, so just go all the way.