As I’m sure you’ve heard, the OKC shopping mecca Penn Square Mall will open tomorrow as part of Kevin Stitt’s hasty plan to re-open the state. Here are details via KOCO:
Penn Square Mall in Oklahoma City will reopen on Friday, May 1, with restrictions in place, its owner Simon Property Group announced Tuesday on its website.
The mall had been closed since mid-March due to coronavirus concerns.
Simon announced they expect to open 49 properties May 1 through May 4 nationwide, based on current state and/or local stay-at-home or closure orders, which are subject to change.
Gov. Kevin Stitt previously announced that Oklahoma is ready to safely proceed with phase one of the state’s reopening plans on Friday, May 1.
That’s good news. If you’re going to catch or pass a virus that’s still infecting, hospitalizing and killing Oklahomans, I can’t think of a better place than Penn Square Mall. Hell, maybe while you’re there you’ll also get shot in the food court, or robbed in the parking garage.
Either way, here are the 10 Best Places to Catch Coronavirus at Penn Square Mall.
Spencer’s Gifts
This place should’ve been allowed to remain open in the first place as an essential business. Where else would one find a blacklight Metallica poster, novelty Rastafarian hat, or a plastic toy bank where you put the coin into some guy’s butthole?
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Lady Footlocker
Lots of people are using this time to get into shape and run and walk more. I don’t know who those psychopaths are, this is nap season. If you need a new pair of Nikes, or are a dude who is into fondling women’s shoes (no kink shaming), this is the place to be.
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Men’s Warehouse
Patrick has a suit that he bought the day before Oklahoma Contemporary had to cancel their grand opening gala, so he will be there Friday making a return.
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Abercrombie & Fitch
You ignored all the warnings and decided, ‘Fuck it, me and Brad are still going to down to Cabo for spring break to party!’ Maybe you caught it but never showed any symptoms, so it’s totally chill to go buy a new muscle T and some cologne.
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Jerky.Com
Their name is literally a web address and you could just order online, but you gotta shop in person to really get a good look at the jerky to pick out what you want.
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Red Door Escape Room
Maybe they’ll go with a Coronavoris themed room when they re-open.
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Auntie Anne’s
Instead of being like everyone else and learning how to bake for yourself and then posting pictures of your sourdough on Instagram, you binged tv instead. Fulfill those carb cravings with a tasty cinnamon sugar pretzel.
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Hot Topic
Face it, nothing is more goth than dying. Get a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and a disease with no vaccination or cure, it’s one stop shopping.
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Victoria’s Secret
There’s always a sale going on, and even though you haven’t worn a bra in over a month, might as well rifle through the 30% off bin that everyone else has also been sticking their grubby hands into.
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Panda Express
If you made a plan to eat here, you already planned on getting sick, so just go all the way.
I know it satire.. but this naming stuff could end up getting someone sued.. I’m not part of the monkey hordes ready to cram into one of these malls either.. it’s insane.
A lawyer friend of mine once told me that “Anyone can sue anyone else about anything at all. But do they have a case?”
It’s not slander/ libel if it’s true 😆
Anywhere in the food court is a petri dish o’ microbes.
Are they going to require that people breaking into cars in their parking lots wear masks? Speaking of that, if everyone is wearing a mask how are they going to tell the difference between your run-of-the-mill Penn Square shopper there to browse accessories at The Buckle from their typical active shooter?
How about all those 25 cent candy machine stands. HAHA
Spencer Gifts is still around? I thought that was a long-gone artifact of the 1970s. Sounds like they even sell the same 1970s stuff.
I watched some of a horror movie, part of a franchise I think, about people locked in a room where horrible things are being done to them. Can’t remember the name of it. I usually don’t mind horror movies, but that one cured me forever of any desire I might have ever developed to get locked into an Escape Room, especially with strangers.
I think I recognize some of those Abercrombie & Fitch dudes. There were pictures of them on some Florida beach during spring break.
You probably saw one of the Saw movies, but there were a lot of copycats too, so who knows.
Hi there! I am the Sales Manager for Red Door Escape Room, it is unfortunate that people have that misconception about all escape rooms. You are never locked in there, and you are not with strangers, only the people you come with. Lastly, it is NOT scary at all. It’s a lot fun. We do a lot of team building events for companies, birthday parties, date nights. The experience we provide is meant to help you unplug (no cell phones), communicate with each other and progress from room to room while working together as a team. It’s interesting to see how differently people approach puzzles and trouble shoot. AT NO POINT are you in any kind of danger. I have never visited other escape rooms. This industry was brand new to me when I cam on board, so Red Door is all I know. We have not announced our re-open date as we are taking extra precautions to make sure we can provide safe experiences. If you have questions, please call me , Sherrie Frick (405) 365-7192. And once we open, you can always come take a tour. We have VR at Penn! We are also in Chisholm Creek!
Great opportunity to advertise. But you didn’t mention your plan to sanitize your store.
Kinda like the Last House on the Left at the Yale. That made the Exorcist look like a disney movie…don’t remember WHY but it was scary as hell!!
Don’t forget the business is outside today or where you can also catch it that are forcing their employees to work big truck taco. Crazy thing is bigtruck will have more then ten workers in that tiny building. but also told them if they don’t come back to work theyll get fired and not be able to draw employment.
Actually, Red Door Escape Room is NOT opening tomorrow. Not all of the businesses inside the mall are opening. Check your facts, Ogle!
Sooooo, you realize this is a satire site, right?!?
Only 17% of the retailers on the first floor were open on the first day. They hadn’t counted upstairs and the mall employee was not wearing a mask.
Can you make a map of these along with the most likely locations to get shot at there? I’d like to be able to be fully informed about risks.
You have a better chance of being shot at Penn Square Mall than catching Covid-19. JS
Yeahhhhh, coin toss at best.